Let's Get Fucked Up And Die

Tomorrow is October 1. Today is the last day of September. Today is also Chezca's 16th :)

I'm doomed.

So much for having these "countless" of blessings. I almost bawled again in front of Jodie and Cumpas because I was SO FRUSTRATED.

Ok, let me tell you something.. Do you know what fucked-up means? It's about having only an hour of sleep because you studied for the long exam -- and, what, you didn't even pass in that fucking test. It's about trying so hard and finding out that your efforts are fruitless and futile. It's about being so damn unhappy of most of the things going on in your messy-16-year-old-dismal life.

Oh, that doesn't sound fucked-up to you, huh? Well, try this: How about the fact that you might not even graduate because you're having a hard time pulling your grades up in one stupid subject. And, what makes it worse is that your graduation day is also your 17th birthday? Ironic much?

I've said before (I think it was August last year. Well, it was in one of my posts in August 2007.) that I don't believe in destiny and all that blah stuff and that we weave our own stories, we fabricate our own lives, we make the person we are.. But, now, I'm having second thoughts. Am I not a very skilled weaver and is that the reason why I have to make the most pathetic and daft designs in my life? (Ok, let's get this straight.. I don't weave.. It's just a figure of speech.. Or whatever you call it.) Am I not a very effective person, that even I am having a hard time recognizing myself and that everytime I have to look in front of the mirror -- I wince and recoil? Is this even about destiny? UGH. It sounds stupid and I don't even believe it. Still. How come this is happening to me? WHY? It's so UNFAIR.

Dude, this is more than just any identity crisis. I'm not even sure who I am nowadays. I go to school thinking and acting like some kind of reincarnated bee without knowing and understanding why I even have to be in school when I could stay at bed all day and not bother about failing grades. I laugh at simple things because I try to hide from all the ambiguities and improbabilities around me. I talk a lot because I'm fucking scared that if I stop talking, I would notice that everything around me is falling apart.

My self esteem is crumbling down because of that stupid subject. My self confidence is falling to the ground because I feel bloody unintelligent. Heck, I don't even know if I'm good at anything anymore.

I hate it when I cry. It makes my eyes itch and swell. Sadly, these last two weeks have brought out the worst in my eyes. And, frankly, you wouldn't want to see me sob because my eyes turn into two tiny black dots everytime I cry too much.

You talk about drama? I talk about facts.

You talk about metaphors? I talk about ironies.

You talk about success -- I talk about silly delusions and false hopes.

Still, I go to school. I'll give you three guesses why I still wake up early and why I drag my unwilling butt to attend that stupid Physics class The first one is pretty obvious. The second one is mostly about friends.. And the last one? Well, we have to be really close for you to know what it's about.

Ok, enough. Too much rants would overwhelm people. And, it's not really good, right?

SONG: The Hush Sound's We Intertwined.

Are You Ever Going To See Everything You Mean To Me?

God's showering me with countless of blessings right this mo. And, frankly, I don't think I deserve it.. :| Ohwell. It's his prerogative anyway..

Want a bet?

• My USB Port is A-OK >:) (As I've gloated about in my last post. Nyahaha.)
• Since my USB is working again -- I could easily sync songs in my iPod again. Which makes my iPod ok too. I mean, it became slow and really annoying when I didn't update it for, um, 6 straight months.
  

and.. lastly,

• MY SPARE PHONE'S OPEN-LINED TODAAAAAY! Hoooray, hoooray!! See, I've been loyally using my 7250i because when my mom got my Ericsson K610i, it was one of the newest and latest phones in the market. I couldn't have it openlined because the technicians were asking me 2500 bucks. Nyah-uh. My kakuriputan surged in my veins so, I waited patiently for, um, 11 months.. And, HOOORAH. Now, it's openlined! HOOORAY HOOOORAY! I looooove texting again. The moment it was fixed, I subscribed to Unlitext and bothered all the human beings in my phonebook. =))

See? Even psychopaths like moi are blessed. Let's hope that this good luck stays with me until March. Or even until tomorrow.. The Trigo LQ results are going to be, um, revealed tomorrow! Oh my effing god..

BTW, I am so proud of Laraine :)) She's making her script right this moment.. And dig this, magdodouble body ang gaga! She said that she would want to be Ka Andeng and Simoun. I gave her the thumbs-up sign. So, she's studiously working on her script right now. I hope.

There's only one glitch, though. Since I couldn't send my part in any of the e-adds she gave me, I sent it in one of my eadds. Well, I don't really have any choice.. I gave Laraine the username and the password. I just hope she doesn't hack it. :| HAHAHA. Kidding :))

So, see you tomorrow? :) Ciao!

*Life's picture perfect -- still there's one itsy-bitsy thing that's bothering me. I'm really trying to forget it. Seriously.

UGH. I ought to have my head examined :| Ooops, talking about heads being examined.. My mom said that she thinks I'm kind of bipolar (She was SERIOUS when she talked to me..):| She said that she asked my father to talk to some doctor to have me checked up. Seriously. SEE! I know there's something wrong with me :| Even my parents think so! Honestly, I'm scared. :| But, she (my mom) said that I shouldn't be. The check-up (I still don't know when..) would help me.

Oh God.. UGH. Whatever. So, see you tomorrow? Like, REALLY.

SONG: Lincoln Hawk's Everytime :) Everytime you walk away or run away you take a piece of me with you there..

I've Got All These Thoughts Just Floating Through My Brain

Okay, so maybe my life's not really fucked-up, you know?

Something grand happened today. In fact, it made me smile so much I'm still grinning like a maniac right now.

So, what is it?

My laptop's USB port is A-OK agaiiiin! AHHHHH. It means, shitfreak, that I could sync songs in my iPod again! HOOOORAY! I mean, dude, I've missed syncing stuff. My last iPod update was, er, May something. So, when I realized that my dad really fixed it (My USB port.. He downlaoaded stuff and some other things I don't get. My, my.. I didn't know he could fix this. He was more of the.. Nevermind..) I started downloading stuff again. Hello, I still need to fill up some 70 GB of free space! I couldn't afford to waste my time and procrastinate! >:)

As much as I would want to talk about the glorious-eventful-USP-port-getting-fixed, I really need to blurt out how angry and frustrated I am at Laraine :| UGH. She's not returning any of my texts and calls. GOD. I mean, I didn't choose her to be my partner in the monologue.. It was Ms. Gino who grabbed my name and then hers.. UGH. I swear, I'm going to choke the life out of her if she didn't print our script.

Ooooh Ooooh. My period came yesterday. That answers my mood swings. Hopefully, after this stupid period, I would return to my hap-hap-happy old self. :D

BTW, I watched Gossip Girl's Season 2-Episode 4 todaaaay! Screw Vanessa. She completely fucked up everything. UGH. And, honestly, I think Chuck's going too far. It's not really fair (Ok, maybe not the word "fair" because nothing's really fair.. Um, so, um, "fun"? Ok, that sounds stupid. Let's stick to fair.) to make best friends fight. And -- that's what he's doing. HAHAHA. Spoiler much? :))

SONG: Many many songs for today.. Like Lincoln Hawk's Everytime and still, STILL, Rihanna's Disturbia.. But, my title's from Motion City Soundtrack :) Where I Belong :)

Shitfreak

Yey! This day is a hell lot better than yesterday.

I was counseled today.. It was generally about Physics. Hmmm. I would find something to motivate me. SOON. HOPEFULLY.

I still don't know how to show my parents that effing-shit piece of paper. TSK. Ms. Villavert said that it's due on Monday. UGH. What am I going to do?

I am so going to do the Pinoy Script, the 2 Physics Experiment, the Research stuff, and the Elective thingy. So many things to do -- so little time. Honestly, I'd rather be dead than do all of these stuff.. But, I don't have any choice. UGH.

SONG: August Is Over by We The Kings. :)

Oh, I Get It.

(L-R: Chezca, Ampy, Rachel, Moi, Odessa, Dorilie, Eryel, Jodie, Pipi)

Dear God,

You're a genius after all.

This is my second post for the last, um, two hours? Anyway,You're a genius after all.. You gave me friends who loves me (I think) even if I'm stupid.

So, I guess I want to thank you and my friends.

(The order is same as the one on the picture)

Chezca: I guess I love you because during my very down times this summer, you were there to talk to me until 3 in the morning. Besides, sobrang napapatawa mo ako kahit hindi mo sinasadya.

Ampy: No doubt about it, sobrang swerte MO kasi naging kaibigan MO AKO. HAHAHAHA :)) Kidding. Kahit mayabang ka palagi saken, kahit minamaliit mo yung bahay na gusto ko, sobrang ansaya ko kapag andyan ka. Honestly, yung comment mo lang na "Kung gusto mo akong yakapin, ok lang.." kanina yung nakapagpasmile saken.. Naflatter kasi ako dahil papayag ka na ihug kita. :) Seriously! I mean, I know that you're not the madrama type.. Pero you tried to cheer me up, so, wala, naflatter ako sayo :)

Rachel: Sobrang thanks kasi kahit busy ka tas kelangan ko talaga ng kausap, nakakausap kita. Swear. Akala mo hindi ko naappreciate yun, naappreciate ko yon :D

Odessa: Dude, 4 years na tayong magkasama. Hanggang review at elective hindi tayo pinaghiwalay. Feeling mo naman ikaw lang ang nagsasawa sa mukha ko, ako din no. Susmaria. Makasama ba naman kita halos 24/7. EEEW. HAHAHAHA. JOKE LANG. I luuuurve you Odessa. Sorry kung naiiwan kita madalas. Ambagal nyo kasi ni Ampy maglakad nakakaasar minsan.. palagi.. :)) Anyway, pinagusapan na naten yan diba? :) So, wala. Masaya ako kapag nakikita kita. Ampota. Parang may HD ako sayo. :))

Dorilie: Alam mo, feeling ko sinadya na paghiwalayin tayo. Kasi ang gulo naten pareho ehh. Anyway, mahal kita. Kahit taksil ka tas sobrang harap harapan ka kung magtaksil. Sorry kung sobrang possessive ako na bigla nalang tuloy akong nagagalit. Akala tuloy ng mga tao may topak ako.. Medyo totoo naman so.. Anyway, wala. Salamat. Sa. Pagkain. Mo. HAHAHA :)) Joke :) Salamat sa lahat :)

Eryel: Tayong dalawa ang palaging nagaaway. Sabe nila kasi pareho daw tayong hindi nagpapatalo. Hmm. Pero congrats saten dahil matagal tagal na tayong hindi nagaaway. DIBA? YEY! Um, Eryel, naappreciate ko yung pag-bastardize mo most of the times kay *toooot* pero honestly, minsan, ang OUCH. :)) Anyway, ok ok, ayaw mo sa kanya. Pero anong magagawa ko diba? Hintayin nalang naten na magcollege tayo. Hopefully, may mangyari. Sa ngayon, sana lang maging consistent sya. DIBA? Kaasar naman kasi. :)) K, naasar na.

Jodie: Sabe ng mga tao may sarili daw tayong mundo. Sabe pa ni Eryel nakakainis daw dahil tayo lang ang nagkakaintindihan. Homaygad. This must be love. HAHAHAHA :)) Walalang. Feel ko lang ibulgar ang pag-eemote ko :)) Joke. Jodie. Sobrang THANK YOU. SWEAR. Minsan nakikita palang kita napapasmile na ako. Hindi ko alam kung baket. Salamat dahil, wala, andyan ka palagi. Consistent ka, lam mo yon? Yiiiieee :)) HAHAHAHA. Sige na. Hug na :))

Lastly,

Pipi: Feeling ko sayo ako may pinakamadaming kasalanan. Ang baet mo kasi, nakakainis. Anyway, sorry if I've been bitchy the, um, past few months. Sobrang PMS lang yon. Swear. Hmmm. Kahit goody-goody-two-shoes ka, love padin kita :)) Kasi ikaw yung pipi ko. Kung wala ka -- mahirap.. magweewee. =)) HAHAHAHA.

OOOOOOOPS. MERON PA PALA!

iv1: sobrang LOVE KO KAYOOOOOO! Napapasaya nyo ko kapag down na down ako. Sana wag na tayo grumaduate, no? HAHAHA. JOKE! Pero, seriously, masaya ako kapag kasama ko kayo. :)

and, OH YEAH.

PLACIDO PENITENTE: Swear. I love you. Sige, dahil nainspire ako sayo, magaaral na ako ng sobrang mabuti. :) Nakikita mo naman yung effort ko diba? Kahit konti? :))

And to all those others who made me smile and who even made me cry to see the sense of things -- THANKS :)

Ayyy K, parang namamaalam na ako. So what? At least you guys know that I love you :))



So, God, THANKS TOO. For everything. :)

AMEN. :))

My Life's Fucked-Up, So What?

Dear God,

I really had a bad day. And I can honestly say that my life is falling apart. No doubt about that.

Do you know how awful this day is? Do you know the feeling of trying so hard and, you know, ending up getting disappointed BIG TIME? Well, thank you because I now have an answer to anybody who talks to me and asks me what it feels like to fuck up everything.

Today I received the fucking Physics paper. And, God, I think that you should know that it's not just any paper -- it's the paper. It's the paper wherein parents dwell on the failures of their children. It's the paper wherein the kids indirectly break their parents' heart.

And you know what, I was really embarrassed because I cried in front of the class. I mean, okay, they saw me wipe away a tear or something whenever we watch tear-jerking movies.. But, you know, they never really saw me break down into uncontrollable sobs. When I received that paper, I knew that I couldn't keep my poise any longer. I knew. So, here I am, my eyes twitching and aching because I cried, what, nine hours ago?

It' over.

Really.

God, I know you have Divine Plans and all.. But, why is this happening now? I mean, it could've happen when I was in Second Year or something.. I mean, why NOW? It makes it worse because Graduation Day's on March 25 and it's also my 17th Birthday. So, you kinda know the weird feeling, huh?

Honestly. All I want right now is to graduate. It might help shut up all the people around me who constantly nags me.

Oh no. Don't get me wrong. I'm not blaming you or anything.. I'm just asking why all of these should happen now. Why everything I do is a fiasco. Why I always fail. Why I can't motivate myself anymore.

So. Fine. Whatever. I'll just stick to your Divine Plan and, uh, Mighty Providence and shut up.

(But, honestly.. PLEASE HELP ME. YOU KNOW I STUDIED for the Physics LT tomorrow. PLEASE HELP ME.)

AMEN

SONG: Breaking Benjamin's Rain. Suits the weather.. I think.

Comp Lab :D

Dude, I'm in the Computer Lab right now. Oh booooy. I don't know what to do with the fucking html whatever.. Especially the password whatever. UGH.

So, before recess, Sir Narvaes made us play the Tower Of Hanoi thing. Odessa and I were stuck in Stage 4. *sarcastic look* Yeah, it's so much F-U-N. UGH. My brain is so not working. Everybody was able to go to other stages but not US. Sobrang nakakainsulto ng I.Q. Natalo pa kame ni LARAINE. SWEAR. Ohwell.

Oooops. Sir Talens is roaming around. I have to go. Toodles, love :)

*I made Pauiie post something in her blog too. Yes. B.I. HAHAHA.
** Wait. Jodie and I had some idea. We're going to change my blog layout HERE.HAHA. We found something COOL. Ayy, K. Bad na talaga.
--YEY! Jodie changed it na! The HOLA thing was HER idea. Emo diba? Totally not me. HAHAHA.
***Si Eryel nangungulit na imention sya. AYAN. K? :))

SONG: Motion City Soundtrack's The Future Freaks Me Out

Yes. I Love You Eric Bana!

It's FINAL. I'm IN LOOOOVE with Eric Bana. I was watching some of his trailers in youtube and I couldn't help but giggle whenever I see him.. Ahh, LOVE. :x :x :x

Ok, maybe I'm exaggerating.. Still, who wouldn't love Eric Bana's tuper duper handsome face? Besides, he has those superb killer abs. GOOOD. If ever he marries me (HAHAHA) it's as if I died and went to Heaven.

And because of my Eric Bana Devotion -- I haven't done that stupid Synthesis Reflection due tomorrow. God. I mean, I DON'T even know what to do. Whatever. Maybe I'll just pass it next.. month? :))

SONG: Rihanna's Disturbia. Yeah. I know. I'm acting like a possessed little kid. This is so unlike me :| Still.

What's Wrong With Me?

First of all, I would like to congratulate myself because I'm D-O-N-E with the Greek Mythology thing.. And, honestly, I didn't make a fool of myself -- I think. No more fucking butterflies, no more effing fireflies. So, I'm wishing all those others who aren't done yet *smug look* the best. Especially, Ampy and Odessa. GUYS, break a leg -- LITERALLY! :)) Kidding... So, here I am. Immortal and god-like. Cool story, huh? Well, as much as I would love to talk to you all day -- I don't have much time.. I'll talk to you some other time. Mortals. You're lucky. You have ALL the time in the world. Haha :)) K, hindi na ako nakagetover :)

Secondly, I would like to give all my love to my Music Groupmates.. Especially Lia (Who got mad at Eryel, Odessa, and moi for not concentrating and for talking about different stuff. Honestly, I think she was just jealous because she doesn't know what's going on between Chuck and Blair. HAHAHA. KIDDING! The kid doesn't even watch Gossip Girl..) Anyway, I think our Grad Song's freaking AWESOME. It's probably because Jodie was there to make the proper tune and all.. (I think LIA is TONE DEAF. HAHAHAHA. JOKE! I was just, you know, making her angrier at me. HAHAHA.)

Thirdly, I would like to break Laraine's body limb by limb. We AREN'T making any progress in our Pinoy Dayalogo Script. Really. If Ms. Gino gets mad, I would really choke the life out of Laraine. Other than that, no pressure.

Anyway, what's going on? Nothing much. Same old. Same old. :|

On something different, I finished Gossip Girl Season 2's Episode 3 seven hours ago. AAAAWW. That MotherChucker. Why can't he just say those 3words-8letters to Blair and get it over with? I mean, HONESTLY, it's so obvious that he looooves Blair. What's with the pride-thing? I mean.. He's really sweet and everything. UGH. I just want him and Blair to be together :| Anyway, Serena and Dan's boring me to death. All they ever do is fuck and kiss and fuck and kiss.. :| Really. So, I tell you, the only essential characters in GG2 are Chuck and Blair. :))

Talk to you some other time :) I'm still trying to do Sir DM's impossible Synthesis Reflection.

SONG: I am not a fan of hip-hoppy and R&B-ish songs but I'm actually listening to Rihanna's Disturbia. I think the song's niiiiice :) The video's even freaky. I like it. :)

YEY!

I'm gloating.. I'm gloating.. I know.. Heck, I AM SO PROUD OF MYSELF :D I finished the dramatic monologue script today in about, like, an HOUR. I am SO GOOOOD in cramming :)) To top it of, my script's not even that lame. You should definitely read it. You'll know what I'm saying :)

I watched the first episode of the second season of Gossip Girl today! The site's tuper duper secret, so, sorry :)) So, anyway, CHUCK BASS IS SO.. HOTT! HOMAYGAAAAAD. I totally loved it when he was jealous of James. :)) Actually, I sort of pitied him :| Blair could really be a bitch sometimes :)) Anyway, I wouldn't elaborate because I know I'm spoiling stuff for you..

You'll get what I'm saying. Soon. HAHA :))

SONG: The Ballad Of Peter Pumpkinhead by the Crash Test Dummies. :)

Disturbia

My first post for September! Yey! Clap, clap, clap :D It was a GOOOOOD week :D :D I can't help but smile.. Although, I don't have any inkling idea why I'm smiling.. Must be my overreactive-happy hormones..

I spent the whole day with Odessa (from 7.15 AM-6.15 PM) It was my brother's family day and I didn't want to go.. And, honestly, we, um, worked on the Grad Song.. I think.. Kidding :)) Yeah, we also remembered to work on the Grad Song.. And, DUDE, it's so fucking AWESOME! I'm honestly not being biased and all.. I'm just.. telling the truth.. And.. I'm actually gloating :D :D HAHAHA. I can't help it. They were so good. Especially Jodie! She was fabulous. I SWEAR!

And, I finished Gego's Queen Of Babble.. The story's cool. I swear. I mean it's a different Meg Cabot-story-plot so, I actually enjoyed the book. REALLY. :D :D :D :D You should try reading it. You'll get my drift :)

BTW, next week's a HAPPY WEEK. I'm (praying) betting on it! Book Fair's next week! Although, Yo said that it will be held at MOA and not in the World Trade Center (Too bad.. WTC's cool.. And the book fair there's always F-U-N.. Ok. Fine. Ang labo ko na. Oh. God. Fuck.). You guys should go! Books, Books, Books GALORE! :D I'm so EXCITED!!! WIIIIE. :))

SONG: Rihanna's Disturbia. I swear I don't really listen to hip-hoppy stuff but I just can't stop humming this song..