That song's been intermittently stuck in my head since Sabrina Carpenter and Madonna performed it in Coachella, like, a month ago. This version is SO catchy. I also like Miley's version!
Anyway, so.. I watched this TikTok creator, Beck, who quoted Dostoevsky, "Your worst sin is that you have destroyed and betrayed yourself for nothing." and she proceeded to say, NOT IN A JUDGEY WAY, that she thinks of that when she sees girls who share their old diaries and ridicule their former selves after reading their previous sentiments and feelings etc etc. Then she ended the video with, "And I say this with love and not judgement because we've all been there. We've all hated our former selves. But.. she trusted you with that, you know?" andddd, bitch, bitch, biiiiitch, it hit me so much I felt my eyes sting and my (really, really cliched) heart felt.. heavy, you know?
I think, honestly, for the most part I do love myself. I like me, but the thing is, I loved myself more before 2017. The experiences I had like 8-9 years ago really did a number on me and I am my own harshest critic. I keep on forgetting that it's my first life too. I handled it the best way (although, in retrospect, I cringe at the way I handled it UGHHHHH) I can. It was my first time experiencing that travesty (because it WAS a travesty. It was a complete mockery of what trust and love should be. I was juggling simultaneous and multiple catastrophes during that time from different aspects of my life. Can't a girl catch a break?) and I was allowed to falter and make mistakes.
I did not talk about it much except with the people who were there and witnessed my undoing haha. But, other than that, I pretty much isolated myself. At some point, I got messages and videos from multiple barkadas (tbh, December is the worst because it's hard to juggle, like, 7 group friends. One core memory, 5 different and unrelated friend groups scheduled dinner ON THE SAME FREAKING DAY. I was like, "Teka puta ha. Isa-isa, can we resched etc etc?" BUT I LOVE THEM ALL!!!!!!!! But I only really open up to, like, 3 or 4 people. Hindi rin kasi talaga ako ma-open up talaga, in general. As in gusto ko lang fun times haha BUT THEY OPEN UP TO ME and I appreciate that SO MUCH. I would die for them. I feel like it's a me-thing, like.. Idk. If I don't think about things that bother me, maybe, HOPEFULLY, it would go away and fix itself on its own) like, "Tangina mo Rina magpakita ka", "O hindi ka na naman sumama", "Rina pumunta ka..", "O, baka naman gusto mo magpakita, Rina?", "Rina, dinner tomorrow, G?" Imagine having a lot of friends and declining ALL invitations to have fun and chill.. just to quietly sob in my room? AND THAT'S ONE THING I REGRET THE MOST. If I could redo it, I would still avoid and try to forget the shithole I was in, but I would've spent time with my friends, with the people who love me. I keep forgetting I'm loved.
Tbh, I still get choked up about it sometimes (RARELY) but when I remember how painful it was, bitch, sometimes the sobs would just come HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA. Although, I think the last time I cried so hard about it was 2 years ago. I was talking with my therapist, doing CBT, you know, and then, Idk, he asked the trigger question. I remember biting my lip hard and trying to deflect with humor but, you know, then the floodgate of tears just.. came. BUT I felt vindicated that I WAS IN A REALLY MESSED UP SITUATION (again, I was handling several catastrophic events happening simultaneously) because my therapist went, "HUH??" and his face was 😳🥺 It actually helped because, for the longest time, I kept on blaming myself because I felt reaaaaaally, really naive and fuuuuucking stupid because how the fuck did I end up in those devastating situations? I thought I was smarter than that. I was smug and judgmental and, somehow, I ended up in those miserable circumstances.
And that's the thing, I have to keep reminding myself, OKAY BITCH, emotional dysregulation!!!!!!! I HONESTLY ALWAYS FEEL THINGS DEEPLY. Like since I was a kid, sometimes the feelings.. and the tantrums, God the tantrums, especially if things don't go my way, like.. I know I'm starting to be difficult but I can't control my feelings. I LITERALLY CANNOT. It's always SO FREAKING HARD. I would cry my heart out ALWAYS and sulk, sulk, suuuuulk until I get what I want. Theeeeeeeeeen I got diagnosed with ADHD, which honestly makes so much sense. I'm DSM V ADHD, tbh. WHYYYY my dad missed that diagnosis when HE was the one who frequently got my grades especially in STC since UERM's just like 10-15 minutes away. I read the comments my teachers gave him wherein they would say I have a lot of potential but I'm always distracted and fidgety and would be disruptive in class. After that, my dad would proceed to lecture me, in a very loving way, he's always so kind and nice regarding school stuff, that Miss so and so said I'm always distracted and I should focus more. BUT, JESUS, I was like 13 HUHUHUHU I didn't even know that ADHD could present as inattentiveness???? I would literally zone out in the middle of a conversation. My dad would even be on the receiving end of this during our conversations. Like, I cannot count how many times he got mad at me and said, "Nakikinig ka ba?? Oo ka lang ng oo atsaka nod ng nod hindi ka naman nakikinig. Hindi ka nakikinig 'no?" then I would snap out from whatever daydream I was in at that moment. AND I DID NOT EVEN PLAN ON THAT. Like I would be so into the conversation then I wouldn't know what would trigger it but I would zone out and sometimes in the middle of a conversation with friends (especially Dar and Eloi I AM SO SORRY) I would suddenly panic and snap out of my reverie, "Omfg nagsasalita padin pala sya hala ano yung last na sinabi nya?" ANYWAY THE POINT IS, my dad's a Pediatrician! When I got my diagnosis, I BLAMED HIM HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA jokingly, of course. I was like, "How did you NOT figure out I have ADHD!!!!!!" He said that during his time, he old af, ADHD wasn't even a chapter in Nelson's. So, what he knew was the typical "naughty" in class sometimes to the point of social anxiety. WHICH I'M NOT, well about the social anxiety thing. It was very easy for me to make friends.
Anyway, I think my mom has the most regrets about this, though. She said sana I got my diagnosis very early, I could've been Cum Laude. I MEAN LET'S BE HONEST HERE, I breezed through college. I would cut class and drink myself to death, like, 4x a week for 4 years. I AM NOT KIDDING YOU. But, the thing is, especially back in 3rd year college, I LOVED THE SUBJECTS! I loved the topics! I loooooved my group mates (well, most of them) so it was very easy to work and gel with them! We had TV production, Theatre production, Advertising, Public Relations (this one, though, ugh), Radio production - I LOOOOOOVED IT! So, even if I'm missing classes and drinking my life away AND NOT STUDYING AT ALL, I breezed through it. I was even a Dean's Lister back then. It's because I found the topics interesting. That's the most important part, I think, for people with ADHD. Like, if we like something we'd be into it and we won't find it like, extremely difficult. BUT THE THING IS, I think ADHD might've helped during college. Because we had to be ingenious and creative in my college course and if you're dull, I mean, the ideas wouldn't grab any attention. So, overactive imaginations were welcomed and unhinged ideas could be tossed around for TV prod, for Theatre, etc etc, you know? Bitch, we were writing scripts and producing TV skits (where it would be showed all over the campus) WEEKLY iirc. WEEKLY. So, imagine if you're a rigid fuck (like some of the people in my class. ONLY SOME.. like 2 or 3. Honestly, I love 4CA5 2013, WE'RE THE BEST HAHAHAHHAA) well, tbf, maybe directing is the way to go haha joke. Wait, it sounds like I'm shading directors. Hellz to the NAAAAAH. It's just that some of the most unbearable and annoying fucktards (LIKE 2 PEOPLE) in my class would always volunteer to be directors lol. One of those 2 even said I wouldn't amount to anything because, AGAIN, I would cut class to drink, not take studying seriously, and wouldn't get like high scores during exams (which I honestly DID NOT STUDY FOR. AT ALL. Grabe I remember, during exams medj nagpapanic ako konti kasi fucker bakit di ako nag aral!!!!!!!!! Tas bobola-bolahin ko lang yung sagot ko haha.) Bitch, if I studied back then how I studied in med school - I would freaking destroy you guys lolz. FR FR FR. ANYWAYYYYYY!!!!!! Directing is a different kind of discipline and vision, I wouldn't touch it with a 10-foot-pole. I think I only tried directing once because, I honestly did NOT like it. But, scriptwriting? Production? It takes some pizzazz and creativity! Truthfully, TV production and movie production is a lot of hard work and it should be a well-oiled machine to finish the product smoothly. Anyway, so my mom was saying I had the potential and she was super sure I'd get to graduate with honors (Idk. I'm her child, she's biased.) And more importantly, med school wouldn't be an arduous transition for me and, well, I wouldn't fail.
ANWYAY SO THERE. Okay wait I'm talking about something then proceeded to get sidetracked and talked about ADHD. Okay, wait. OKAY EMOTIONAL DYSREGULATION. So, ADHD affects that, apparently. And during the most difficult and traumatic time of my life, I was unmedicated, so imagine all the feelings. Hay. Worst time of my life talaga.
Point is, I really, really should stop chastising myself for trusting and loving the wrong people. My old self is NOT my enemy.
Now, the difficult part is to remember that for the rest of my life.
