Things Aren't Quite Like What They Used To Be.

So, I'm 24. And I've been laptopless a little over a month. Jesus, all I want for this 24th fiasco thing is a laptop.

What's My Age Again? What's My Age Again?

I'm turning 24 this coming Friday. Ugh. 😒😒😒 On the bright side, I would be celebrating in Bicol/CamSur. So, that's that.

Hay I know I said 2016's going to be a hell lot better than 2015 but I'm really lowering my expectations now. I think this is a form of self-defense of sort because I don't want to get veryyyyy disappointed if this year sucked balls again.

HAY NAKO GOD PAEXPERIENCE NYO NAMAN SAKIN MAG-6TH LONGS. 😒😂 Huhu.

Stand Still.

The cat's out of the bag (and, frankly, I'm just so sick of faking it and pretending and shit.) Anyway, so, I'm repeating. Again. That was why my last few posts were a tad bit dramatic.

I knew I said that I wouldn't blame God and I would believe that He has better plans for me - but, I was weak. And so fucking heartbroken. I mean, I gave it my all. I would stay up until 1am to study. Every fucking day. I avoided my HS friends and college friends like a plague because I had to make sacrifices. There were times that I wouldn't get to see my parents because right after school, I would go to a coffee shop to study. I MADE all the freakin' sacrifices. And yet He allowed this fucking catastrophic mess to happen to me. I prayed. I fucking prayed my heart out to Him, twice a day, and to three other different saints, every fucking day without fail. I always asked for guidance and if I was making the right decisions - and it fucking sucks because all my decisions pointed to Med School. I asked God a lot of times if I'm making the right choice and He opened all doors for me, so, I took that as a YES FUCKING YES!!! So, why did He let all these shit to happen to me? Wait, sorry, why is He letting this shit happen to me?

Anyway, I was so upset I stopped attending church for a month. Yeah, throw your rocks at me or whatever but I was so depressed. I felt like a failure and that, maybe, my stupid nemesis from college is right - that I wouldn't amount to anything 'cause I'm just loud. I really wanted to die from the humiliation, the embarrassment. But, whatever, I could stand all of that, when you think about it. What really killed me inside is that I ended up disappointing my parents. Well, actually, they don't blame me and stuff. They're even empathic and sympathetic and more loving and supportive than ever. And that's what fucking kills me. Seriously. I mean, let's face it, I haven't really done anything that would make them proud of me. I've been a screw up since I was in GS. Like, in a way that's the only thing they could be proud of me - I could get myself out in sticky situations because I could be funny and charmkng. But that's it. Academically and shit - I'm worthless. And it kills me inside because they don't treat me differently and they're very supportive and when they found out I had to repeat all over again, they were more concerned with my feelings than what the other doctors and physicians (basically, their colleagues) would say about their underachieving, repeater daughter. They really are the best.

The tuition fee for med school (well, in UERM) for one semester is roughly around 136, 000 pesos. And that doesn't include the uniform and the books. Medic books are about 2,500. We're not rich, we're average. And I know that my parents say that it doesn't matter but I'm freaking embarrassed and ashamed because just for first year they would have to pay 136,000 pesos FOUR times (assuming that the tuition fee wouldn't increase this coming SY.) Four fucking times. The tuition thing is never really an issue because they always say that it's for our future and it's our education but put your feet in my shoes.. Wouldn't you feel just a tiny bit ashamed and morose?

My parents are the best. And that's why I was so upset with God before. I mean, I knew I tried so fucking hard. But then I had to repeat. And my parents are stuck in another year of shame with me.

But anyway, the past few weeks, instead of moping around and blaming God, I'm back in church. Of course I asked for forgiveness and shit (and I do hope that God would forgive me) Anyway, I'm back to studying (on my own), my plan is to ace the first two longs so that at least I would have a buffer. Hay God please don't leave me hanging this year. I know I would make a good doctor, just take a shot on me.

MasterChef Always Makes Me Cry.