It's still the same. We've been videochatting without fail every day. We're updated with each other's lives. We know what's up with each other's families. We're friends.... Honestly, I know this is going to hurt like a bitch when it finally ends after graduation but Idk, I guess I still care for this person. It's a habit in some ways.
We were on our usual video thing, I asked about his exes. I was laughing because some stuff were funny but then I noticed that there's, like, a sudden pang of sadness. I mean.. I would never be that. I'm not his ex. I'm just one of the people he dated. And, by God, that still hurts. I was not special enough nor important enough to be committed to, you know? I was just someone who fell in love with him and he deemed not important or lovable enough to be committed with. It really sucks, man.
When I was younger, I was a stupid fuck who thought labels weren't important, and ohhhh boy, was I a stupid motherfucker. Maybe for some people it would be enough? But I realized when I get into deep (literally and figuratively HAHAHAHA lol joke) someone - I'm one of those people who needed a label. Actually, I just realized that after this fiasco. I have no claims eh. I was just someone he dated. He could easily deny me and say there was nothing. Like, it was just casual for him and he wanted it to be casual but I was the one who wanted it to be serious. I have nothing that could rebutt that eh. For me it was more but then there was no label.
To be fair, I think he did like me, but then, he didn't choose me. I don't think that there's a perfect person tbh. I think love is actually work. Yeah there's attraction and stuff but later on, you have to choose the person every day. Like, okay, love is not all feelings - I really believe it's a choice. He didn't choose me. He will never choose me.
He's still fickle-minded. Sometimes he tells me he has feelings for me, he loves me. But, honestly? I don't think so. True love isn't supposed to be this hard. Yeah, it's hard work but it's not supposed to be like this. It's not supposed to rip your heart out and question why you're not enough and when will you finally be enough; when will he finally choose you.
I really do love him, by God, I really do. He's cute, he's so corny it's funny, he's so, so, so smart. I really jive with him. I could read his face easily. I know his expressions well. I know what he's thinking with just an arch of an eyebrow or a small laugh. And, omg, I've never opened up to anyone like how I did with him. I showed him all the dark spots, I let him in the crevice of my soul. I showed him me. I never have to pretend with him - good parts, bad parts. I don't know if he judged any of my ugly parts but I'm always myself with him.
The thing is, my ego couldn't take how easy it was for him to replace me. I tried winning him back over and over and over. And right now, Idk, I'm just taking it as it goes. I do know we're not meant to be together. Omg it's so obvious he doesn't love me anymore. If he ever did love me 🤷🏻♀️
Another thing I realized is that I'm just a one person woman. That's why this is so hard for me. I thought he was the one. Like, oh my gosh I lucked out. But, by God, I really wish there's someone out there for me who would he lucked out with me. Like, dammmmn I can't believe I'm with this girl. Who could never go to sleep at night knowing he made/he's making me cry (it's very easy for this person kasi. I can't count the number of times he fell asleep peacefully while I was just there bawling my heart out). I can't count the number of times I felt like dying and whilst I was crying, I was begging God to make the pain stop. I swear to God. It's so funny it happened to me 'no? I thought I was invincible and super smart; therefore, I won't experience any of this shit. Anyway, I do hope there's a cutie out there for me - who would never let me experience all the shit I've experienced from this situationship.
The thing is, I honestly thing that I could just move forward after graduation. Idk, man. This really sucks.
