I have never felt so alone in my entire life. I can't emphasize how private I am with all the stuff I go through. I have a lot of friends, acquaintances, but I only have a handful of people I tell everything to. Right now, God, I feel so down. Like, I haven't felt this down in a long, long, long time. I think clerkship made me feel busy and preoccupied; however, right now, maybe I'm hormonal, but, damn, I feel so down and heartbroken - and I realized how I couldn't talk to anyone. How there's no one there for me. I've been messaging Jodie for days but she stopped replying to me a week ago. She's an introvert and I know how swamped with work she is so I can't really talk to her right now.
Anyway, so that made me sad a bit - actually, a lot. I don't really share stuff with people - especially the sad parts. I prefer to keep it to myself and shove it under the rug, hoping that the bad stuff would just go away. Yes, I realize that it's not a mature way of solving problems but, right now, I just don't have the energy to deal with stuff. I'm so exhausted.
I'm so envious of the people who constantly have someone they could count on. Maybe that's why some people look for love and shit? Or partners? So, they know whatever happens, they have someone they could depend on.
Since HS, I've been saying that all I need is one person - just one person. And, truthfully, that hasn't changed. I would still always choose a few privileged people I could talk to than have a lot of acquaintances and stuff. Actually, I think I have a lot of friends. But there are only like a handful of 3 or 4 people who know the nitty gritty and who are privy to my most icky secrets. Idk. I think that's just me as a person.
The depressing part is, I'm always available to other people - why can't anyone be there for me right when I really need them the most? Who's there for me?
