So, in a few hours i'm turning 33. THIRTY-THREE. I can't believe I've been on this blog for 18 freaking years! I grew up with this blog. This blog encompassed my youth - from my bratty and immature beliefs when I was a teenager to growing up, gaining experience, being slapped with reality, and changing some of my previous beliefs. A lot has changed but a lot also stayed the same.
I like to think that I matured a lot. Tbh, I miss my old self. I was so uninhibited, so sure of myself, so hopeful and excited about the future, I was, well.. I was happy. My previous experiences made a huge chink on my armor that I often find myself second-guessing my decisions - which leaves me anxious and angry with myself. It's a cycle, it's maddening. This was NOT me 10 years, 8 years ago - I would've dove head first and went with the flow. I've been going to therapy and Dra. Mariano (the GOAT!!! THE BEST!!!! THE BEST!!!!) but you know, I haven't really "won" anything in a long time and Idk, sometimes it gets to me, you know?
I've said before that I was raised with the belief that ANYTHING and EVERYTHING is possible as long as I set my heart on it and I work hard for it. But idk, I know I'm not great, but I wasn't really trained to settle for abysmal, you know? I don't know if i'm explaining things properly (okay that's something that hasn't changed for 18 years) I guess I'm happy but I'm not contented?
Omg yes random thought. So, there's something I read a while back. The girl was kind of shy, bookish, nerdy type and she's friends with this really cool, popular guy. So, she asked her group of friends if they want to accompany her to a museum she's been eyeing and everyone said that it's boring and it's not their cup of tea. But the next day, her guy friend surprised her with tickets to the museum. I actually cried after reading that HAHAHAHAHA (I AM ON MY PERIOD PUHLEASE HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA) but I really believe that to be known is to be loved. To be known is one of the warmest and purest forms of love, I really believe that. So, my favorite color is purple right? And I also love, love, LOVE sparkly things. Like glitters, holographic stuff, etc. etc. So, I mentioned this saving thing I saw to my mom. Like it's a notebook type thing where you put like a hundred a day so after 1 year you have PHP 36500. That's the idea. I told my mom and then I promptly forgot about it. Then a few days later, my mom knocked on my bedroom to give me that notebook thing. It was purple and glittery. I didn't even tell her the design and shit. I just randomly told her there's this notebook thing where you put a hundred pesos a day. She chose the design herself. I kid you not I almost cried, I got teary-eyed. I asked her how she knew that design is perfect, how she knew I would love it. She said she just searched for something purple and sparkly. To be known is to be loved. To be known is one of the purest forms of love.
AND THAT'S THE THING. I don't think anyone really knows me, you know? I know I'm partly at fault but it's like.. nobody's really interested in getting to know like all the nitty gritty about me, you know? Like, okay I'm fun.. funny, loud. But that's it. And I wish I'll have a work bff who'll turn into a bff for life for life for life. I mean besides Jodie of course. She's stuck with me forever.
Anyway, I'm currently reading Ottessa Moshfegh's Eileen and it's the B O M B! I enjoyed Bunny by Mona Awad and Boy Parts by Eliza Clark a lot and Eileen's always recommended in lists with Bunny and Boy Parts. I have a long list of books to read and Idk when I could finish it all. I ALSO WANT A KINDLE COLORSOFT but my Kindle PPW is still working perfectly. Plus, reviews about the colorsoft borders on the negative so... maybe when it's perfected?
So.. here's to the last few hours of being 32. 32!!! You were sad, crazy, with doses of euphoria.. I guess I can't wait for what 33 holds.
