I've made up my mind to come home again

 

Trying not to dwell upon the lonely nights

 

I sit taking it all in to make the good life

 

Don't tell me it's real You feel so cold in my arms

 

Oh my love, can't you see yourself by my side?

 

All the lies, They're just a game To filll the void

 

It's just a dream, it's only fake I just gotta leave

 

Like a prayer you don't expect an answer, though you ask for one

It's Christmas & it used to mean a lot like 3 years ago. Tbh, I feel nothing, like FINALLY I reached my threshold and I just see him as a menace. He's not a good person. He really is not; the way he treats me, the way he talks to me, the way he fights with me - god, I really don't have any self-respect, huh? He thinks Idk about the other people - when, really, I have receipts. I know everything. I cared before because I considered him a friend but, honestly, he's just a stranger. I don't know anything about him. I don't know him. I guess I'm just tired of the constant lies and being taken for granted. I honestly don't care if he gets struck with lightning, like I'm just impervious about it. Of course I'm not wishing him ill, I just mean - I don't care anymore. I'm tired. It's been 2 years, please let me rest now. I seriously can't wait to graduate and get out of this shithole. God, please, please, please, for once, can you please listen to my prayer and just, for once, answer it. Please.

On something totally different but SUPER COOL. I've been a BTS fan since August. It's all Z's fault! I started with Jungkook as my bias but slowly.. it became Yoongi. GODDDDD I love him so much HAHAHAHAHAHA ANG SUNGIT KASI! He's so adorable! Huhuhuhuhuhu!

Anyway, Merry Christmas, fuckers! May the holidays be merry and bright for everyone!

I can't be everything you want me to be

I keep on going back to our last night today. We were driving around, looking for a place to eat dinner at, we were going back and forth because we can't make up our minds. That's us. We're both fickle-minded. I was reading an article about Anna Sorokin, the fake heiress who was able to fool high society. If I knew then what I know now, I would've savored that last night. I would've held your hand and sang some of our favorite car jams. I wouldn't have kept mum to finish reading about someone I don't really give a damn.

I still remember your full-on grins. I still remember where we ate at that night. It was a new place for us. 

It's been 2 years and it still hurts like fuck that you were able to throw everything away. You don't respect me, you take me for granted. I don't what I did so wrong in life that I had to experience all of this shit. The sad thing is I really loved you. You were my best friend.

(Photo not mine. I just found it somewhere on google. Now that's just something I have to always remember.)

Cosy Ain't Cosy

 I've been reading this god awful novel and it sparked all the bad memories from 2 (nay, 3) years ago. It's been two - TWO fucking years and I'm still not okay. I'm still not fine. 

I realize that this is toxic - REALLY TOXIC but I can't seem to pull myself out. God. I can't wait to graduate and just leave, you know?

I still don't understand how this happened to me. I may not be the best person in the world but I don't deserve any of this.