They were shining like none of them could be mine

 It has come to this. 

A few days ago, out of boredom, I started and finished my first C-drama called, "When I Fly Towards You" I liked it because it was so light! Like, super chill.

Then yesterday, I finished my 2nd C-drama called, "Hidden Love" AND OMG THE SOFTIE IN ME LOVES IT SO MUCH!!!!! The male lead looks like a budget version of Chanyeol but he acts so well! His subtle expressions are so believable! Like when he acts shocked or surprised or confused, it doesn't seem like he's acting at all! It looks so natural! PLUS his chemistry with the female lead is SUPERB!

I think I like it a lot because it's a "she fell first but he fell harder" trope and I'm a sucker for those! PLUS PLUS long unrequited love. I was talking to Jodie and I told her that maybe in stories (and life HAHAHAHA) i like the chase and the build up because I get really bored when the characters finally get together and become a couple. Like in When I Fly Towards You, I was fast forwarding the episodes ever since they got together. Idk. In real life, I stop liking people once I'm close with them. PERO YOONGI DON'T WORRY DI AKO MAGSASAWA MAHALIN KA FOREVER AHUHUHUHUHUHU HAHHAHHAHAHA ANYWAY GOING BACK, I think the chemistry and the acting was so good in Hidden Love!!!!! I rarely fast forwarded episodes!!!!!!!

AND IDK HOW IT HAPPENED but my fyp on my finsta are all Lovely Runner and Hidden Love related!

GOD MY SOFTIE HEART I LOVE ITTTTTTTTTT

Also, the OST for Hidden Love is so spot on kilig i love it so much!

Baby, Do You Like This Beat? I Made It So You'd Dance With Me.

Omg it's already August 28! 3 more days and it's the start of Christmas season (in the Philippines!!!!!!) already! So, to get my Christmas spirit rolling, i started watching Holiday Hallmark movies haha. I've been doing this since med school. Even if it's so far away from Christmas, I would use Hallmark movies as background noises while I studied. It's what I'm doing now actually, but i'm not sure if it's a Hallmark movie, I just found it in Netflix. It's a Christmas Hallmark-ish film starring Jessica Lowndes called, "I'm Glad it's Christmas."

One character looks like a wrinkled sack of twigs though.

Anyway, idk, I was going to say something revolutionary but I got distracted and forgot. Oh well.

Marry My Husband

So, I watched Lovely Runner 3x HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA my fyp was full of Lovely Runner clips HUHUHU I LOVE LOVE!!! Anyway, so I finally decided to watch a different kdrama and since BTS was mentioned in episode 6 (I saw clips beforehand), I decided with Marry My Husband.

The premise was interesting enough but.. I did not like it. It was so.. meh. Like, I'm all for revenge TV shows but this is giving lazy writing. It's like they thought of all the cliches and all the predictable plots from soaps and decided to mix it in one series. Idk i was so underwhelmed. Okay, so for enjoyable and superb revenge kdramas, I would consider Itaewon Class (although I can be a bit biased here because it's my most favorite kdrama in the whole wide world. Idk what's with it but i love it so much!!!), The Glory, and Eve as top-tier. The revenge was executed perfectly. Marry My Husband, on the other hand, really fails in comparison. Sure, the revenge aspect of the story was detailed but the last scene with her best friend was so inadequate and unsatisfactory. It left me feeling like, "Huh? That's it?" I would've wanted more action, more pizzazz!

And the chemistry? IT WAS SO NON-EXISTENT!!! What's up with that! I googled the main actor and actress because i couldn't believe they were paired together. They have no chemistry! Tbh i have more chemistry with a boiled potato. Why are they forced to act all lovey-dovey when it's giving nothing - NOTHING.

But let's give credit where credit is due, the antagonist, pyscho bff was such an amazing actress. I really did want to smash her face on a hot pan of burning charcoal. She was an exceptional actress, she was able to evoke these homicidal feelings from me. 

Marry My Husband was entertaining enough but it was so meh.

I Don't Care That You're A Stoner

 Met up with friends last Friday and Saturday! It's been a long time since I went out with friends!

ANYWAY omg i love Chapelle Roan. Her songs are SO CATCHY!!! I particularly love Red Wine Supernova!!!!!!!!!!!

I LOVE HER SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

'Cause I'm Falling Slowly In Love With You

I JUST FINISHED LOVELY RUNNER AND OH MY EFFING GOD AHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHU MY HEARTEEEEEAAAAAUUUUUUUU!!!! I AM SO HAPPY IT FEELS LIKE MY HEART IS GOING TO COMBUST FROM HAPPINESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I loved it so much!!! Even the ending was 👌🏼👌🏼👌🏼👌🏼👌🏼👌🏼👌🏼👌🏼👌🏼👌🏼👌🏼👌🏼👌🏼👌🏼👌🏼👌🏼👌🏼👌🏼👌🏼 ahuhuhuhuhuhuhu the ending was wrapped up perfectly because it's still connected with the main theme of the story 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Anyway, i'm finding it harder and harder to talk to my parents these days. They're the best but it feels like i lived away from them for a long time and it made it harder for us to understand each other. Like with my mom, I used to tell her everything but it's harder now. It's like she doesn't understand anymore. Parang mas close-minded na sya compared before. O baka sa kung anu-anong pinapanuod nya sa FB yan amputa. I don't think I'm close to her anymore tbh. Idk. I love them but it feels like there's a gap. Idk.

I'm listening to 10cm's Spring Snow (FROM LOVELY RUNNER) & AHUHUUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHU LOVE IS PAIN LOVE IS PAIN. Omg watch it talaga it's so cute!!!!! 

HUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHU

ANYWAYYYYYYYY happy first of the week

The More Dangerous It Is, The Happier I Am

 Wow it's been more than a year since I updated this. 

Anyway, so I'm a licensed physician now. Finally, right? If I remember correctly, results were released on April 18. There were whispers but I was so "whatevs" at that point. Like my mindset was, "I'll find out whatever happens naman" so I was actually sleeping (aroung 6-ish pm HAHHAHHAHAHA) then I woke up because my phone won't stop ringing. I had calls and messages from my parents and a lot of friends. I was so elated, I bawled. It's really God, Padre Pio, and St. Theresa of Avila istg. ++++++ my parents and my friends. God. I never, NEVER would've survived without them.

It was actually tricky because my grandmother died 4 days before the PLEs. So, I spent days studying at Funeraria Paz. It was such a shame because my grandmother didn't even see me become a physician. I remember during my first first year, she would call the condo to ask if I've eaten dinner already and if I was studying. She was the only person who calls the condo landline. So, when it rang, I knew it was her. Anyway, I got sad. None of my grandparents saw me become a licensed MD.

Hmm what else what else. Last June we went to Singapore and stayed there for a week. It was so fun because the whole Macaraig fam was complete! I love my Macaraig fam! I really had a lot of fun! Most of us had been to SG before, I think it was just Gabby who traveled to SG for the first time. Anyway since it's our 2nd, some 3rd/4th/5th's etc time, we were actually very chill with the touristy spots etc etc. Like, one whole day we just stayed at my uncle's place there.

So anywayyyyyyyyy Idk what to do with my life now. Ughhhh I'm actually back to my 2013 post-college dilemma - WHAT DO I DO WITH MY LIFE NOW. I spent yeaaaars trying to get this license, I failed to plan ahead. This is stressing me out.

I'm currently 31 books in for the year! My reading goal for 2024's just 5 books but yeheyyyy so far I was able to read 31. I was in a reading slump but for the past 2 days, I was able to finish 3 novels so I think my slump is semi over????? Hopefully

AND I'M WATCHING THE LOVELY RUNNER. I LIKE BYEON WOO SEOK'S FACE. And all biases aside ha, I think he acts well. He's able to portray the subtlety of trying to hide your kilig and shit. I luveeeet. But i'm just 6 episodes in. OR 8???? Idk ahuhuhuhu i took a break because it feels like my heart is going to combust from happiness. HAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

I don't know anything so I pretend

It's the last day of June 2023! Omg time flies so fast! Here's a compilation of my June dump

Not included: 

- Eat Fresh with Mariam & Nicky

- Modern Shanghai with fam 

It was a good month, I think? I bought 2 BTVs kasi wala lang. TAPOS THEY'LL BE RELEASING NEW COLORWAYS. Okayyyy ahhhh HAHHAHAHAHA

Her's to an amazing July!

& can I say.. that caught me off-guard. Randomly watching stories then boom that one UGHHHH my heart started beating fast. I want to feel like meh & nonchalant na!

Are you lost or incomplete?

 

Oh brother, I can't, I can't get through

I've been trying hard to reach you 'cause I don' know what to do

Oh brother, I can't believe it's true

I'm so scared about the future, and I wanna talk to you

Oh, I wanna talk to you

You can take a picture of something you see

In the future where will I be?

You can climb a ladder up to the sun

Or a write a song nobody has sung

Or do something that's never been done

Are you lost or incomplete?

Do you feel like a puzzle, you can't find your missing piece?

Tell me, how do you feel?

Well, I feel like they're talking in a language I don't speak

And they're talking it to me

So you take a picture of something you see

In the future where will I be?

You can climb a ladder up to the sun

Or write a song nobody has sung

Or do something that's never been done

Or do something that's never been done

So you don't know where you're going and you wanna talk

And you feel like you're going where you've been before

You tell anyone who'll listen, but you feel ignored

Nothing's really making any sense at all, let's talk

Let's talk, let's talk, let's talk

Joan Is Awful

Omg I started watching the 6th season of Black Mirror yesterday and it's *chef's kiss* (I'll spoil for a bit) BUT I was shocked to my very core that the 1st episode has a happy ending??? I really didn't expect it. It was so meta! I loved it. I only ever watched Annie Murphy in Schitt's Creek but oh em gee she's so versatile! Grabe the range. I'm impressed! Clap clap clap!

As usual, I can't binge watch Black Mirror because I find it heavy?? So isa-isa muna. Today I watched Mazey Day! May funny part but I won't say. Basta yung medj during the climax tawang tawa talaga ako kasi ????? HAHAHHAHAHAHA pero omg super dami symbolisms & I GOOGLED AFTER & I GOT THE SYMBOLISMS RIGHT Lolzzzzz

Also I made a Rina-Yoongi wedding playlist  HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA BAKIT!!!! SABI NILA MANIFEST DAW HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

These are some of the songs!! Basta it's aces padin!!! It's ongoing pa eh! I'll add more songs as I go! Apparently.. I have more sad songs than happy songs kaya medyo ang hirap pero gosh Yoongi sure ako magugustuhan mo 'to baby! HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA

RINA BUMALIK KA NA SA REALITY AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA eh for fun lang naman! Fantasy lang nga eh! 

Supermarket Flowers

Hello I AM BAAAACK! The last few months were.. jarring? Idk i did a lot of stuff & met up with a lot of friends to distract myself from stuff. My parents even helped make me feel better (as always)! We spent 2 weeks in Japan last May! So, since it was a spontaneous trip - sobrang mema nalang ng iba naming pinuntahan. Like.. sobrang weird ng itinerary HAHAHAHA but what I enjoyed the most was our Hiroshima Day Trip. Grabe so like may part dun na we looked at the children who died during the bombing & gago buti it was a dark kasi umiiyak na ko HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA gago ang hirap not to get affected kasi. They were so young.

For a spontaneous trip, we were able to go to Hiroshima, Nagoya, Kyoto, syempre tourist destinations like Himeji, Kobe, Nara, etc etc. We stayed the longest in Osaka. Or Tokyo?? Idk na. I really wanted to go to Studio Ghibli Theme Park but it was out of the way?? And like may iba na kami binili na tickets and stuff for other places. My mom's planning to go back next year but she wants like Sapporo part naman. KELANGAN MASINGIT STUDIO GHIBLI THEME PARK KO - I'll throw a fit talaga if hindi JOKE. 

So it was funny 'cause ang budget ko lang for my friends was 50 yen/head HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I TOLD JODIE & SHE SAID, "Wala ka naman mabibili ng 50/yen" tas sabi ko, "I'll find a way" but gurrrrrl tangina inabot ng 21, 000 yen yung ginastos ko for my friends. Grrrrr. Partida super close friends lang binilan ko ng pasalubong. Hay. Edi sana 3 na NB 327s nabili ko. I was only able to buy 2 lang. Hay. BUT OMG YEHEEEEEEY I got 2 NB 327s!!! After a loooooong time of whoring over it - i finally bought 2 YAHUUUUU. Pero parang mas madami colorways in Korea. MY MOM ASKED IF I WANTED TO GO TO SOUTH KOREA BUT I SAID IT'S A NO FOR ME KASI... syempre ang modus ko dun BTS. Di naman nila maeenjoy yun. I need my first SoKor trip to be with friends para G lang ako maging gaga HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

My last post was really sad pala. It was so raw and emotional. Pero yeah, legit, I'm not groomed for a lackluster life. Idk. Like I don't aspire to be like the best or to be at the top of my field - I just want to be a good and a kind doctor but grabe I was brought up with the belief that the world is my oyster, gets? AND IT'S KILLING ME THAT IT'S TAKING A VERY LONG TIME TO HARVEST THAT OYSTER, you know? Pagod na ko to always just depend on my parents financially. Contrary to popular belief, gago, kahit gano ka-supportive ng parents ko, tangina naman, hindi kaya maganda sa feeling na 31 na ko tas dependent padin ako sakanila. It's literally killing me inside. Pagod na din ako for always not being good enough. For not being enough. 

I've been really lonely the last few months. Or maybe I've been so alone with my thoughts lang. There are weeks kasi na i just stay at my condo and refuse to meet up with friends. Tas I'll listen to sad songs lang and mope. Very HS Rina vibes. I'm 100% sure this is not MDD because I don't meet the DSM V criteria at all. So, I guess I'm just sad. I feel so rejected and miserable. WHICH DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE because i know my family & friends love me. I really don't understand why I feel this way. I HONESTLY DON'T.

I guess, Idk, maybe I'm lost?? I'm lost and I want to be found. YEEEEES HAHAHAHAHA. Pero legit. I just want someone to see me. Since I was in HS (see HS jej posts HAHAHAHAHAHA) I've been saying that I only need one person. Just one person. Just one person who would see me, understand me, & like me for me. Well, don't we all?

Ex-bff told me, when we were still talking, during one of our fights that I make myself hard to love. Like, I'm hard to love and be friends with. TBH I DON'T THINK SO. But with the circumstances.. Idk. That stupid bitch really did a number on me. But I don't think I'm asking for a lot, man. Loyalty and honesty and being a true friend - is that unreasonable? 

A few weeks ago, I've been having a down day so I decided to dispirit myself more and watch 3 depressing movies: A Walk to Remember, Me Before You, and The Fault in Our Stars. Tbh, though, i have a penchant for endings wherein the protagonists don't end up together. Emotional masochism? Maybe. Yes. So, anyway, there was a part in The Fault in Our Stars wherein Augustus said (OH this was during his eulogy for Hazel Grace!) that Hazel Grace wasn't loved widely but she was loved deeply. And that - THAT'S what I WANT. It doesn't necessarily have to be something romantic, hello hindi na nga ako nagkakagusto sa totoong tao, puro BTS nalang HAHAHAHAHA, but a platonic love like that? I would be over the moon!

Tbh I think I had that with Mau but I was such a shit friend so we kind of drifted apart. She was such an amazing and a very good friend. She always went the extra mile to make me feel special to her. It was overwhelming sometimes because she was such an incredible friend and I wouldn't be able to match that ever. I see her posts now and she's so happy! She deserves that! I, honestly, haven't had that connection with anyone before. Like legit we're always on the same page to the point where we always end each other's sentences. LIKE LEGIT sometimes even the two of us were amazed.

I love Jodie but she's an introvert and she really needs space sometimes. AND TBH majority of my friends are introverts. Jodie said I'm a collector but I beg to disagree. I think I'm a magnet. I don't go out looking for introvert people, okay. Naghahanap nga ako ng extrovert friend. 

I've been an advocate of being comfortable in one's skin and being okay with being alone (like relationship-wise, I think I still feel the same way. Wala naman nagbago dun. AND, GOSH, BTS NALANG NGA BUHAY KO HUHUHUHU) Pero like.. I just want a ride-or-die platonic relationship where that person sees me, you know? I don't think I'll ever get tired of being alone because I actually enjoy my own company but, dear god, I'm so fucking tired of being lonely. 

It's not just one reason, I think, it'a s collective sadness. Like.. feeling lonely, uncertainty about my future, having no direction in life. Omg so am I back to my HS feels? Ugh dear God. WELL, 15 years later and I'm back with this feeling. BUT like 15 years ago - I'm hoping for brighter days ahead. 

That's the tea. I'm so down in the dumps and I'm so fed up of pretending that the short-term distractions are enough. I'm so sad. What can I do, right? I can just hope.