The Year That Was..

2011 was such a big jerk to me.  I've faced a lot of challenges this year.  Some I never thought I would experience.  My grandfather died, some sort of family crisis happened, my grandmother was confined in the hospital for 3 weeks, some idiot in school made me want to break her neck into two, school crisis blah blah blah..  Looking back at all of these (for the lack of a better word) incidents, it made me realize that SOMEHOW, I grew up.

I learned how to stand on my own, especially if my family's not around.  It made me think that I'm getting old and I need to learn how to be responsible.  Life isn't just about play, play, play.  Life has this crazy way of fucking things up and making you want to just hurl yourself on an incoming bus in a highway full of bustling cars and automobiles.  It would stomp on your heart and it would squeeze your soul until you have nothing left.  It would leave you crying and writhing on the floor.  That's the thing, that's how life is.

But you know what?  There's always faith.  I don't mean to preach, it's never really my style but, yeah, sometimes when there's no one left, all you got to do is pray.  I mean, you don't really have anything to lose, right?  It's just that and lots and lots of hope that maybe one day everything's going to be okay.

2011 was a farthole.  It drained me.  But then, it also taught me something -- I could bounce back.

So, here's to a better year!  2012, BE GOOD.

She Holds A Smile Like Someone Would Hold A Crying Child.

DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE IS COMING ON THE 5TH OF MARCH. 20 days before my 20TH birthday!  This is a freaking sign from God.  I NEED TO WATCH DEATH CAB.  I love them more than life itself!  I would sell my soul for tickets!  I've been praying for 6 fucking years and..  FINALLY.  FINALLY THEY'RE COMING!  Please God let me watch my favoritest band in the whole wide world.  Please make my dad see the light.  Please.  I love Death Cab super!

Anyway, I found these cute pictures in Tumblr!  I just want to share them to you.  HIHI:

Food and Harry Potter!  Two of my favorite things! Hihi.

We're Not Gonna Float On Your Worn Down Boat.

I want a new pair of flats.  I mean, seriously, I need to dress/act like a girl more.  Plus, I guess I should start acting my age.  I'm turning 20 on my next birthday, for God's sake.  What brought about this change? See..  Last Christmas, we were talking about my 16 and 15 yr. old cousins.  My mom was telling my aunt that my two cousins were very dalaga.  And my aunt said, "Oo nga eh.  Sa Facebook, sa twitter..  Kung anu-ano na ang pinaguusapan.  Tas nako-conscious na."  My mom looked at me (see, I was sprawled on the chair, nakabukaka, and I was tilting the chair), "Ibang iba dito kay Rina." Then my brother butted in, "Mas lalaki pa nga sakin 'yang si Ate eh."

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN??

It means that I should be, hmmm, more matured.  I should start dressing up like a girl.  I should stop looking like a skater boy.  Huhu.  In my defense, it's not my fault that I like guys' clothes.  They're so pretty to look at and they're too darn comfortable.  Guys' shirts, shorts, and shoes are amazing.  AMAZING.  Dear God,.  Anyway, whatever.  I'm determined to act like a girl.  Wooooo.  I think that's going to be my New Year's Resolution.  Hihihi.  Jared's going to love me, for sure. :">

MEHEHEHE.

I'm Crossing Fingers And Hoping Life Works Out.

The truth is, I'm tired of being sad and having a voice at the back of my mind mutter things like, "Be miserable. Blah blah blah."  So, I'm doing this the traditional-family way.  Happy or angry.  Happy or angry.  Happy or angry.  I prefer to be happy forever, though.  Hihihi.

As of this moment, I am extremely happy!  Christmas was not as depressing as I imagined.  It wasn't exactly fun but it was okay.  I guess?  :-)

I bought the Game of Thrones set (composed of the first 4 books)  So stoked to read them all!  Hihi.  I am so happy, it's insane!  Some things are going just the way it used to be.  Thank you God.  After months and months and months and months of begging..  Thank you so much!

Life is wonderful, isn't it? :-)

Don't Count The Calories.

Craving for junk these past few days.. weeks.. whatever.  Haven't had my burger/pizza/pasta fix yet (No, actually that's not true.  I had pizza and lasagna yesterday.  Still.  I want to eat it everyday) Let's enjoy some pictures, shall we?

I live to eat.

It’s This Twisted Up Memory That I Can’t Unwind.

I fucking lost 1 thousand pesos last Friday. But, hey, things like that happen. I might've dropped it when I was getting my hanky from my pocket.  I might've put it somewhere.  I might've been really reckless and irresponsible last Friday.  But, what the fuck, things like that happen.  It's okay.

And then today, to-fucking-day, I lost my khaki Esprit bag.  It's a fucking big deal because I loved that bag!  It goes with almost everything.  And it's, like, one of the most practical bags ever.  As in practical! Do you know what happened? Punyeta, may nagnakaw sa sampayan namin.  SAMPAYAN.  Is the world fucking with me?  I mean, seriously, life has been a downer this (or should it be 'these'..?) past few months tas ganito pa.  GANITO PA!!!!!!! Tas, what, 5 days nalang, Christmas na.  Are you fucking kidding me, world?!  I should remember to chill the fuck out pero, God, as in RAGE.  RAGE.  People really do that?  I mean, they really steal?  I wish the thief chokes on his own saliva and bleed to death.  May he have a long and miserable life.  Fuck you, asshole.  Thanks for making my already disappointing Christmas more merry.

I want a new bag.  I need a new bag.  Or the Dorothy Perkins flats I've been eyeing.

Is My Imagination The Only Meaning?

Hi Jodie.  I miss you.

On And On, We Sing The Same Song.

Create a playlist at MixPod.com

Obsessing over Deas Vail and Gran Ronde.  Jesus Christ.  Listen to them.  They're awesome.  :"> And it's so freakin' fine to listen to them with this kind of weather.  Hihi.

Waves.

******

EDIT:  Do you know what freaks me out?  I think I'm turning into some person that the old and normal me would loathe.  I've been having this weird and bipolar feelings recently.  One minute I'm boisterously laughing, the next minute, I want to fling my hands around and murder the first person I see.  Is something wrong with me?  Like, seriously?  I never had these extreme tendencies and feelings before.  Now?  It's just freakishly different.  It scares me sometimes.

I don't know if I'm feeling these.. um.. feelings and experiencing these bipolar tendencies because of all the fucked up things happening in my life right now.  Dear God, I don't want to be melodramatic.  The thing is, I'm just fucking sick of everything.  And I mean everything.  I can't see the sunshine or the rainbow after the rain.  I would never see the glass being half-full.  I can't freakin' see the cloud's silver lining!  It's all fucked-up everything.  Home, school, family, friends.. Everything.  What's there to be happy about?  What's there to be thankful for?  What's there to look forward to?  God, my problems never.. It never stops from flowing and from making me go crazy.

I have no idea when this free-falling, brain-fucking, heart-stopping, whirlwind ride would stop.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I've been begging and pleading with God for, what, 2 months now.  It just never stops. I know He has these Divine plans for all of us but.. Please, oh, please.  Can these plans come sooner?  Please?  Before I lose all of the sanity I'm desperately clinging and holding on to.

People can't (and honestly shouldn't) judge me.  Nobody knows what I've been going through lately.  Nobody.

Chasing All The Things That're Keeping Us Young.

☺ ☺ ☺

This Can't Be Healthy.

Today is my lolo's burial day.  Like what I've said, in this family, we never show our emotions.  So, during the mass and the eulogy thing  my uncle gave, I was trying hard not to cry.  I was biting my cheek, I was pinching my arms.. Anything to stop me from crying.  Sadly, I failed.  I sniffed loudly and gave in to the few tears I "bravely" showed.  The truth is, the tears the people saw, it's not enough.  There's more, actually.  I was holding everything back, my throat hurts and it feels like I'm going to choke (I don't know if you guys ever experienced this feeling when you were trying so hard not to cry) and my nose was, like, producing a lot of snot.

I can't believe my grandfather's gone.  Like, gone.  He's an amazing person.  If you guys ever knew him, you would enjoy talking to him.  He's hilarious and fun to talk to.   You could talk about anything under the sun.  He has this facial expression he makes when he's really amused.  And he has this cough-like laugh, which I think is charming..  I would miss these things.  I would miss talking to him.  I would miss teasing him.  I would miss his anecdotes.  I would miss his rants regarding my grandmother.  I would miss my grandfather a lot.  He's one of the very few people I really, really, really love.  And, dear God, during the mass and the eulogy and the burial, my heart was breaking into a bajillion pieces.  It hurts.  I'm not kidding.  It friggin' hurts.  I'll miss my grandfather so much.  So much.

This Christmas is going to suck balls.

Stuck Inside The Tangles Of My Mind.

You Annoying Piece Of Fuck.

I think I'm PMS-ing again.  I'm in a very bad state right now.  I don't want to see anybody.  And I just want to kill someone.  Anyone.  This misanthropic tendency is frightening sometimes.

The thing is..  I really feel lonely and sad and miserable and alone.  And I can't show it when I'm at school.  That's why I laugh a lot or joke a lot.  See, I have this tendency to run away from my problems.  In our house, the only emotions we show are joy and anger.  No sadness, no grief.  It's either you're really happy or really angry.  So, this thing right now, it would be really weird to show it.  Anyway, it feels good to run away from everything that's bothering you.  You don't have to face it.  I know it's a sign of cowardice but..  Who the fuck ever told you I'm brave, anyway?  I can't face all the things that's going on right now.

I'm dreading Christmas.  I can't stay at the dorm and curl up like a fetus and ignore everyone.  I have to be with everyone.  It's really frustrating.

Nobody really knows what's going on (except Jodie.)  I've kept mum for so long, I think I'm going to burst.  Oh well.  I think it's better this way anyway.

I'm sad, that's all.

I Will Follow You Into The Dark.

The best grandfather in the whole wide world died last December 4.

Where's my fucking Christmas miracle, Santa?

Instincts Are Misleading.

It's the first of December.  Wow.  24 more days and it's Christmas again.  Christmas is going to be.. Disappointing this year.  I bet.

Anyway, can I just say that I've been craving for a bagel since, I dunno, yesterday.  Can't stop googling bagels.  I want to eat one with a lot of cream cheese, bacon, and eggs.  Omg.  I really want one.  Please make my bagel fantasies come true!

Come to think of it, a grilled salmon bagel would do too.

BAGEL.  BAGEL.  BAGEL.