Who Stole The Sun From Its Place In My Heart?

You know what kills me? I can't ever be as smart as my brother.  When we were both in high school, he rarely studies.  While I squeeze my brain (or whatever's left of it) to remember and understand everything about Physics or Trigo - he's there, watching TV, playing with his laptop, PSP, or other shit.  I only saw him get frustrated with a subject ONCE.  It was during his senior year, his teacher emailed him something about his thesis.  And even that was not because he didn't know what's going on or he didn't study - it's because of his useless groupmates.  I mean, Lord, c'mon.

Today I saw my preliminary exam grades in Media Law.  I got a 61.  The passing score was 75.  Ain't life a bitch?  Okay, so, this was partly my fault - I didn't focus or shit or what.  I wasn't  over-confident or what, I was just.. lazy.  Or dumb.  Whatever.  I got so depressed because I was thinking of my brother and how he never gets to experience these kinds of shit.  He's always the golden boy.

When I was younger, my dad would always talk to me about different talents and stuff.  I dunno, I think he was saving me from this feeling.  He would always tell me that he was just like that when he was a child.  He would get flustered because his younger brother (Nongni) would finish early with his Math stuff while he sat there and doodled "I hate Math." He said that what helped his confidence (he was awarded the Most Proud or something award when he was eight by his teacher as a joke.  He didn't know the meaning so he was really smug) was his grandmother telling him that Nongni finished earlier than him because he was just in 2nd grade and my dad (who was in 3rd grade) has more difficult Math problems.  Anyway, everyone in the family knows that Nongni's the smartest among the three brothers (My father, Nongni, and then Tito Ters.) My dad even told me that when he was in U.P., he had one class (Calculus, I think?) with Nongni.  But, at least they're all in different fields.  They didn't have any sibling rivalry shit or something.  Meh.  Screw it, my dad's the nicest and kindest so he's just happy for.. everyone.  I also think that he's the funniest.  Well, actually, people around him say he's really hilarious so..

I'm not nice.  I'm rarely even kind.  And it just kills me inside because.. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GOOD AT.  When people ask me what my talent is, I don't know how to answer 'cause I don't know what or where I'm good at.  I guess I'm good at making friends..  And I think (seriously) I have a really awesome taste in music and cult movies.  Plus, I love books.  But, what do I get from that?  I mean, what?

My brother's well-rounded.  He's smart, he's an active tennis player, I think he's an officer or something at his Bio organization.  Plus, he's tall, and really, really skinny.  He eats like a cow but he never manages to gain any weight.  Sometimes, my mom even reprimands him on how he eats or something - she says that people might think we're starving him at home.

I am freakin' hideous and all I do is eat my troubles away.. which is a bad idea because it makes me fatter.

I think I'm extra unreasonable and extra emotional and pissy or what today because my period's coming.  I saw a Free No-Wifi ad from KitKat and it made me cry.  I was so proud of the advertisers, it made me sob.  Jesus.  I hate this time of the month.  I hate how it makes me feel about myself and about everyone else.

Anyway, hopefully, when all my other shitty-exam-papers-with-failing-marks come, I'm all okay and shit-freaky happy.