I Carried It Well.

I have mentioned before that I have, like, a lot of acquaintances and “buddies” but I only managed to have, what, two or three true and close friends.  Sometimes (well, recently), I think I made the wrong decision to, you know, build an exclusive wall around me and these buddies.  I should’ve formed a deeper relationship with my acquaintances and “friends”, I should’ve made a greater effort to share myself more to them, I should’ve bonded with them more, you know?  I wouldn’t feel so alone if that’s the case.

I feel like I’m silently sitting in a corner while everyone around me’s changing and moving forward.  Are you getting me?  I mean, most of my friends and buddies are very busy already.  It's either they're at school getting harassed by a shitload of stuff to do or they’re working and toiling hard and contributing to society while I’m at home completing all of Al Pacino’s movies.  I'm happy for them, really, I am, it's just that.. they're moving too fast and they're moving without me. Is it 'cause I'm a bum right now? Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy with my move this year, I really am.  I love how I’m with my parents again.  I love the free and the great food.  I love how I could stay up late and wake up at 11 am the next morning without anyone bothering me.  I love it!  It’s just that I think I’m drifting away from my peers.  Recently, I’m the last one to know about everything.  I mean, that’s okay.  If we’re not really close, I don’t really give a fuck, I’m just there for the gossip, you know?  But sometimes it feels like my friends don’t care enough to include me in their life anymore.  I feel so left out.  Okay, wow, funny inside jokes you have.  Oh, great, what is s/he cheering you on for, wow, I don’t know what you guys are talking about.  So, this shit makes me think that I didn’t (don’t)  have enough impact, or value, for that matter, on my friends to be missed and talked to.  I mean, are they afraid that I really wouldn’t take things seriously (if they have problems or shit), Jesus, I may be awkward in handling situations like that but I always listen and I pay attention.  And I think that’s a hundred times better than saying shit like, “There, there, it’s okay  It’s going to be alright.”  ‘cause we don’t know if it’s going to be fucking alright at all!

Don’t get me wrong, I reach out too.  I text (a lot), I send weird and cryptic WeChat and LINE messages, I try, okay.  So, it’s not like I’m completely shunning everybody out.  So, why are people ignoring me?  Am I bore?  Actually, I think I’m well-read enough to converse about various topics and shit.  If you want me to stop yapping about The Killers or Al Pacino, all you have to do is change the subject.  Do you want to talk about the Ku Klux Klan?  Okay, sure, fine.  Lizzie Borden?  Okay.  My Morning Jacket?  Sure, go ahead.  Ayn Rand?  Neil Gaiman?  Attila the Hun?  Pol Pot?  Napoleon Bonaparte?  Vladimir Putin?  Reggie Miller?  Peja Stojakovic?  Machu Picchu?  Okay, let’s!  Miley Cyrus?  Suits?  That 70’s Show?  American Dad?  Downton Abbey?  Okay.  So, why are people ignoring (and abandoning) me?  I seriously don’t get it.

Maybe ‘cause I’m mean-spirited and I have really faulty friendship skills.  But..  meh.  Not all of it could be my fault.  Like what I’ve said, I try to reach out and talk, you know?

To outsiders, it may seem like I’m overreacting or shit, but you don’t experience this.  So, unless you do, go stuff your face with egg pie or pudding or something.

Anyway,  heh, whatever.  I’m going to buy a pet lion and name him Phantom or Brent!  Ohhhh I’m so excited!  I’m serious about this shit.  I’ve already talked about this with my mom.  I told her I’m going to buy and train one when I get older (and when I get rich, of course.  Duh.)  Hihihi.  I really, really, really want one.  I can’t believe I never voiced this out before.  I’ve been thinking about this for, like, a year now.  I really want a pet lion.

See you when I see you!