It's My World That I Invent.

Everything's about to end this coming June 13 and I'm sort of freaking out.  It's going to be a big change, not only am I not living at home again, I'm living alone!  Oh, and let's not forget that it's med school so it's going to be fucking brutal.

I had a glimpse of how hard it's going to be when I took a biochemistry bridging class for two weeks.  I had a hard time, you would pity me.  It felt like the professors were speaking Greek!  I almost walked out and shit.  But then, I realized something.  I want, and I mean I really want, to be a doctor.  It's going to be a loooooong and bumpy ride.  It isn't going to be a piece of cake, I know I would have to really study for exams because I couldn't just wing it like I did back in college.  I'm pretty sure it's going to slowly kill me.  But you know what?  I'm up to the challenge.  This whole thing might've started as a way to postpone the inevitable (which is growing up and getting a job... in the future) and to show the people (mostly my blockmates) that I'm not just a dumb loud mouth but, eventually, I realized that I'm not doing this for those two reasons, well, not entirely.  I'm doing it for myself.  I've been sucked by insecurities that I started to forget what made me, well, me

I don't get intimidated easily.  I mean, I know that I'm not beautiful, I mean, I'm not even remotely attractive, but I'm fine with it!  I have no issues with that!  I love myself and I wouldn't change a thing about me (well, maybe I should start eating healthy or something 'cause I've grown half the size of a killer whale.)  I don't really care about how people view me physically.  People call me fat and obese and stuff and that's okay with me!  God knows my friends and family (and strangers) call me that all the time.  And, besides, it's true.  Why would I get offended when they're just stating facts?  I think that's why I don't get intimidated easily, I already know that I'm not attractive and I'm really fat so people couldn't really hold that against me. Anyway, screw them because I'm funny, I'm entertaining, I'm well-read, and I have a fucking amazing taste in music! (HAHAHAHA)  So, okay, the point is, I love myself, who I am, what I am, how I am - I'm contented with all of that.  I think there's just one characteristic or trait or whatever that I get really intimidated with (? at?)  I get intimidated with smart people.  Well, not the "smart" people from my block, they're studious and book smart or artsy and creative smart.  I'm talking about sciencey and math and left-side-of-brain smart!

I remember how insecure I was whenever we went to my brother's high school for his family day and stuff (he was from Philippine Science.  He said it's overrated how people get impressed with that.  He's smart and he's from there so.. what does he know, right?)  I couldn't be my charming self (HAHAHAHAHA) and stuff because all I could think about was, "Omg these are really intelligent people" and how I'm out of my league there.  I don't know.  I know I'm not dumb but.. God, those kids were already taking Chemistry and Physics when they were, what, 14?  I took Physics when I was 16 and I failed three quarters!  Anyway, that's not the point.  The point is, I get overwhelmed (and really impressed) with brainiacs!  I think I blogged a lot about this when I was in high school.

I'm going to take up medicine and I'm going to finish and slay this motherfucker because I have to prove to myself that I could do it; not for some of my stupid blockmates who thought I'm an idiot just because I'm not a DL or a Cum Laude or whatever, not for the professors who tormented our block and who thought that we would amount to nothing, but for me (and my parents and grandfather, let's not forget about them.)

So, that's that.  I haven't poured my heart out in a really long time and, wow, this feels..  I feel great.

Do me one favor and pray for me or whatever.  I swear I'm going to give you a huge discount when I'm already the president of the PMA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  Dream big!