I'll Prepare You For A Sick, Dark World.

I think we're living in a hopeless world. I think people are inevitably going to destroy everything. I mean, sure, some heroes rise up to the challenge and try to change something but ultimately, the next generation just fucks it up.

You know to be honest, I have very little faith in humanity. And when I say little, I mean minute, minuscule. My 2019A friends told me to not expect anything for my birthday last March. I told one of them, "Okay lang, sobrang baba naman talaga ng expectations ko sa tao." And that's the truth. I don't know if I have been desensitized with all the shit that's happening around the world but I just.. Don't want to care anymore. I mean, if you care deeply and someone or something disappoints you - it could fucking break you. And I had a lot of that already so yeah, no, thank you very much. Don't fight me on this, I won't be mollified. Hahahaha.

I don't know. Just random thoughts.

I Used To Shout To Find My Way.

Back to the grinding and hustling. I'm back to studying. I'll spend my 4-month break studying. And you know what? I'm actually looking forward to it. I wanna ace the first sem this coming school year. This is what I really want to do with my life so I will do whatever it takes to achieve it, you know?

I'm currently listening to old playlists I made using 8tracks when it was still a decent app. They changed, like, what, 4 months ago? There are a lot of shit that can't be played in My Country. Fuckers. Anyway, there was a long letter from them why they're being dickheads but it was really long, I don't have the time to read something that would reject me (in a matter of speaking HAHA.) Well, it sucks 'cause I really kinda like 8tracks. It's one of my favorite Music Apps. The first one being last.fm.

I'm an active blogger recently, have you noticed? This is my only form of release now eh. Hahaha. 

Hay. I hope the future has something nice in store for me.

Just Try To Wait It Out.

I'm currently obsessed with Imperial Mammoth's Little Earthquakes! Omg it's so catchy and it spreads good vibes. Sort of. Well, most of the time.

I miss having a laptop but I'm so fucking embarrassed to ask for a new one especially now that the tuition fee for one semester in my medical school skyrocketed to 150, 000. 150, 000 pesos, are you freaking kidding me? I can't freakin' waste 300k this year, so, yeah, extra pressure for me. I remember when I told my mom that it's now 150k per semester, I was so embarrassed and I told her I'm really sorry 'cos hello, third time ko ng first year padin, tangina naman. And all she said was, "Huh? Alam ko. Ano ka ba, wala yun." Wala yun 'cause it's for my fucking future - because I fucking want this. Hay nako, once I become a doctor, tangina magulang ko mamumunini ng kikitain ko.

Why the fuck didn't I take up a premed course? I don't usually have regrets 'cause my crazy decisions always end up like an adventure but, well, not taking up a premed course has got tp be the BIGGEST FUCKING MISTAKE of my entire life. And remembering how unfullfilled (how do you spell this thing??) and just goddamn miserable I was back in college (read my posts when I was in college, all I wanted was to get it over and done with. Or die. Why? 'Cause the people are so fucking fake and I knew that I could only depend on, what, two people? God, I hated college so much. Even in my group of friends, ano, at least may dalawa na sobrang pacool and sobrang iniiba image nila in front of different people. Palibhasa super loser nung HS. God, it pisses me off just thinking about it. 'Cause I've always been candid of who I am as a person and then BAM, two super fake people kagad in my midst. UGHHHHHHHH), I should've shifted to a premed course. But I was SO STUBBORN and HARD-HEADED. Basically 'cause I hate it when people tell me what to fucking do. (Let's put it this way, of all the shit my parents told me to not do, the only thing that I followed through is the don't have sex before marriage thing. And, let's face it, I haven't had sex 'cause hello, NBSB.) My parents wanted me to take up Medicine, so what did I do? I took something at the opposide side of the Science spectrum. Tas in the end magmemed din pala ako. So, I guess they got the last laugh.

I think I'm lashing out at everything again 'cause I feel so lost and unhappy right now. And the person I really want to talk to and I know who wants to actually listen to my shit is, what, a 2 hour drive away (which sucks 'cause I don't know how to drive.) Hay. I miss you Mommy. 😢

We Can Make The Ground Move.

The last few weeks, I stayed with my mom in Cavite (her medical practice is located and based there), it was just the two of us. And I think it was perfect. I don't keep the fact that she's the most important person in my life a secret. I'm a mommy's girl and I'm not embarassed. I loooooove her so much.

Well, it just sucks 'cause I have to go back to the condo soon. She asked me not to go back 'cause she misses me a lot but, haaay, I have no choice. I need to grind and hustle because this is my last shot for my future. Hay. I'll miss my mom so much.

You Can Try.

I don't know if I could go back to my previous relationship with God. I want to but there's just a lot of shit that happened. I think I need to talk to a priest or something 'cause I'm seriously questioning my faith right now.

Don't Listen To A Word I Say.

I finished reading Chuck Palanhiuk's Invisible Monsters yesterday. And I gotta tell you, it's all kinds of amazing. Although it did make me question my purpose in life and shit. Oh but, man, does it strike at the most sensitive parts of my heart and the most unsure parts of my soul. I really loved it.

Today, I started reading Sacre Bleu by Christopher Moore. He's one of the funniest authors in the world for me. I don't but he just.. Gets my humor. He knows where to poke me until I start laughing hysterically. Well, so far, Sacre Bleu hasn't disappointed me yet. Hihi.

I'm having an okay summer so far. I'm living with my parents. I missed them so much. In about a week or so, I would go back to the condo and start studying my ass off again. It's my decision not to spend summer with them. See, I have no choice. So, I'm making the most of my time with them. Hihi.