It's really fuckin' hard 'cause I know that I meant it

God. All the issues around the world right now are really overwhelming and depressing. 

I had to take a step back from using social media because I get really affected and I get stressed out. It doesn't mean I don't care - I care A LOT, that's why.

FUCKING FINALLY

I am finally a fucking clinical clerk. FINALLY. After 6 years I've finally, finally reached this. I know it's going to be an uphill battle and I'm going to be the lowest of the low but this is it. 

Life Updates

I have an oral exam on OB-Gyne tomorrow but god I am still so tired from the 5th longs last week.

Anyway, the world is under a pandemic right now and ugh I don't really want to dwell on that because that's where my head has been since March.

Right now.. well. We're always talking. We video chat and talk on the phone every day. Sometimes he says he has feelings for me. Sometimes he says he thinks we're better off friends. But sometimes he says he doesn't know if he just want to stay friends. The one thing he's sure of, though, was that he wants me in his life forever.

Labo diba? This person really gets me and it sucks so bad that we're like this. But, Idk. I think I have to learn to detach from him. By graduation, when I leave school, I think.. I think the best thing to do is leave everything behind and start fresh somewhere, you know?

The sucky part was I wasn't able to properly grieve in 2018. It's like everybody just expected me to move on, to forget how much I loved this guy, how much this guy meant to me.. How I thought this person was it, you know? "Just move on." As if it's that easy. And so.. I wasn't able to grieve.

You know, the funny thing was, we only stopped talking for two months. By December, we were talking every day and updating each other and telling each other stuff. I think that was another mistake. I should've just stopped and never replied and shit. I mean, I wasn't fully over him then and then.. we're back to normal.

He keeps on saying that he's not with anyone. Until now. He keeps on saying he's single and he's not courting anyone and Idk. I know and I feel like a back-up plan. It's just hard because I get to se him every day. WELL, except the last few months (since March!!!!!) but he calls and video chats every day.

It's really hard because I really loved him and I'm always 100% myself with him - good parts, bad parts, everything. So.. Idk. 

I wish I'd get to move on na. Maybe then, being "best friends" would be the perfect set up with him.

I Fell Hard and I Fell Fast

It's 2:05 in the morning. I have a lot of stories and random shit I want to tackle and discuss.. but the person I want to talk to - I'm no longer talking with. It sucks so bad.

What If God Was One Of Us?

I'm rewatching Lucifer for the nth time! Damn, I really love this series! Lucifer is so hilarious! And it mostly tackles daddy issues and stuff. I really love this so much.

So, we're a week late on our thesis paper. I honestly don't know what will happen. I'm tired, I already did my part. I just want to binge watch my TV shows on Netflix. Hay.

Oh, on other news, FRIENDS would be removed from Netflix 😞 😒 BOO FUCKING HOO!

I have to take in my ADHD meds but I forgot it at home. My head's all over the place.

***

I miss you. So. Freaking. Much. But I know ringing you would mend your heart and break mine (thanks Yellowcard for that lol) Well, but I'm trying to be stronger now. I won't message, I won't message, I won't message. I won't reply, I won't reply, I won't reply. It's just saddening that he doesn't (never has - never will) miss me as much as I miss him. I'm just one of the girls from his never ending harem. Damn, I have to keep in mind that he never really loved me anyway; I'm just one of his games.

It still hurts because I loved him so much.

I have to be firm. I have to be strong - for myself. I just miss the good mornings and good nights and random stories, random photos, random updates about his family, friends, shit like that. Can you blame me? I was stuck with that for 2 years, well, except the 2 months we weren't talking but, yeah, 2 years. I thought he was constant. No, he is a constant - a constant reminder that he was a mistake.

Damn. Why is it so hard to move on? I think 'cause I gave it my all. I really loved him. I really did.

I have to keep reminding myself that the bad outweighs the good, that he broke my heart continuously, that he never cares about me, that he'll never change, that I will never be his 1st choice, that I'm a back-up plan. Damn. Just get out of my life. Although, in fairness, he's doing that. He hasn't messaged me today, so, yeah.

Lord, please help me be strong 💪

SELF-LOVE 2020! 💓

Careless.

Happy New Year, everyone! I am currently into Alexa and Katie! I thought it was like a meh series but it's actually really nice and informative. Alexa has cancer and this is her adventure throughout her rough ordeal. Katie is her best friend who sticks with her. It's actually really heartwarming!

Anyway, it's going to be an interesting year. I promised more self-love this year. Like what Mufasa said, "I've forgotten who I am." Lol haha. It's like because he stopped loving me - I stopped loving myself as well. That's NEVER acceptable. Can you imagine 13 year-old Rina choosing someone who doesn't choose her over and over and over and over? No. It's time I go back to choosing myself and what's best for myself ALWAYS.

I promise to let go of the people who don't choose me and don't fight for me. People like that would never change. Enough.

2020 is for letting go and moving on to greater things. 💕 'Cause I know this is NOT the best.

Here's to an amazing 2020 to all of us! 🍻 🥂 

No One Can Touch Us 🥰

I spent New Year's Eve Eve with my college buds! What a way to spend the second to the last day of the year. A lot has changed since we became friends 10 years ago! Nicole is now engaged and will get married November next year. We were talking about the bachelorette party will throw for her. I missed these people!

So, we went to Vitto's. It was just the 6 of us because Mariam spent the holidays in Canada. Anyway, damn, our bill was 10k. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA we don't know how it happened but then, we said, it's whatever 'cause we only get to see each other once a year.

I got home at around 3:30 in the morning? I miss going home that late!

I hope I'm not on duty (YAS CLAIM IT) on Nicole's wedding!

Giving In To All His Bullshit.

Technology has a funny way of reminding you of things you would rather forget 'no? I was flippantly playing on my phone when I got a notification from Google if I want to view some photo memories from 2 years ago. I knew what was in there. I knew what 2 years ago was but I was curious and, tbh, a masochist so, yeah, I checked it out.

Damn, the crazy wave of emotions. It was brutal. 

I'm still having a hard time accepting things, wrapping my head around all the shit that happened, and, honestly, it's exhausting to be this hard-headed and stubborn and stuuuuupid. It's not fun. 

2020 is coming in a few days. It's going to be the start of a new decade. UGH. Can I please have a nice 2020? Can the world make bawi??

Leave Your Mark & We'll Forget About It.

The Christmas vacation started! It feels so good to be with my family! A lot has happened this year! I haven't documented the trips I've been to since last year. Hmm. Maybe I'll upload some photos when I'm not feeling lazy lol.

Currently watching Gilmore Girls. I'm on season 4 already lol.

Do You Have To Let It Linger?

It's been a year and I'm still far from okay. I don't get why he can't just let me go. What does he want from me? I already said I'll support him ALWAYS in school stuff. He also has my friend's support.  I know he's not in love with me. I know that. I feel that. I know he doesn't care about me. I know what we had was just a game for me (even if it was pure and true for me.) I've been played, yeah, I accepted that. So, what does he want still? I really don't get why he can't just let me go. Because I'm his back up plan? Is it not enough that I've been mourning him since last year? Since my birth month last year? 

I don't know what terrible, terrible thing I did for me to experience this FOR A FREAKING LONG TIME. I mean, come on. 

This might be killing me right now but I vow - I'll forget him. I'll forget everything about him. I'll forget and I'll be okay.

Please let me be okay now.