i don't aim to please

i'm updating for the month of october! lame pa ang post na ito kasi wala akong inspiration :D hahaha. atsaka wala talaga ako sa sarili ngayon. lame-oh. i don't aim to please --- i aim to write. what i want.. kaya dahil bangag ako, give me more patience. :D

it was our PALIHAN day yesterday and it was --- ok. i couldn't complain because i was not really, really, really, really involved in teaching the young naughty kids, i was more like an extra. From time to time, I would give comments then the storyteller would carry on Noah's Arc story. Sorry Odessa, Mamita, Ann.. Sino pa ba? Kumain lang ako ng kumain ehh.. You know the store near the daycare? I went there 5 times to buy big bang or soft drinks.. etc. hahaha. sorry kung walang focus.

in the afternoon we had our first supervised (is the term supervised? no idea..) practices. We crawled at the lawn, I looked like a mud monster. The bad part was the stationery/stationary was closed so I couldn't buy a new shirt. So, when we went to centerpoint, I told my mom that she should buy me a shirt because i look like some kind of dirtbag.

i'll write something more wort-reading when i come to my senses.

cheers.

song: Gone So Young by Amber Pacific.. woooohoooo!!!! go!!!!

answer me, please?

holy schumck! holy son of a gun.. whatever..

i'm almost finished reading 'American Gods' -- it's a freaking, chair-clutching, heart-gripping, time-stopping novel.. I'm enjoying it. :P

life is mysterious. Believe me, we will all die without solving half of the mysteries thrown all around this filthy world we're enjoying. Mystery is a part of life we can not erase or dissolve entirely. It is a part of us, like our hearts that's beating continuously -- unless someone stops it. One shot? You know what's unfair? When we die, mystery is still there -- walking the lonely grounds we have visited when we were still breathing. Well, maybe it's not really unfair -- because the wholly existence of Mystery is a mystery itself. Our existence, in my opinion, is even a mystery. Why do we have to breathe? Why do we have to live? Why do we have to pain our backs just to get hold of a non-existing future? Ok, there's future for some -- but it's not for all.

Mystery is a ticket to complicate Life. Then again, life will be too-damn boring without a good dose of mystery.

Cheers

SONG: Crystal ball -- aaaaaw.. naalala ko ii1 ditoooo..

roses are red, blood stinks --

a wisp of something cold penetrated my lungs, it was a sweet-smelling scent --- something you wouldn't forget immediately. I turned around to follow the nostalgic and fragrant smell and I realized that I was actually in an unknown place where big and bloody-red roses bloom..

I smiled and I tried to reach for one of the red-as-blood roses.. but, the flowers shied away from my hands, as if my very touch would poison them.. I frowned slightly. And, inside my head I was saying to the flowers that I would never, never hurt them.

The humongous and the bloodiest rose in the garden growled as if he was reading my mind, he said that the very red in them is actually the blood of my enemies pricked to death.

I hesitated then I narrowed my eyes, "Enemies? What Enemies?"

A tiny rose with a deep shade of magenta raised its twig as if humoring me, "Did you feel the chilly air? It's the wind telling you how cold and cruel you are to everybody. It's your conscience bothering you, telling you how brutal you are, how your merciless and savage ways hurt the people you love. It's your soul pestering you about the inhuman things you've committed. Isn't that 'enemy' enough?"

I tried to reason out with them. I tried to tell them that I have never, in my whole existence, harmed a fly. I have never, I told them desperately, killed anyone or anything.

it would've been easier to wrestle an elephant because my protests were drowned with icy looks and a don't-fuck-with-me glares.

I tried to reach for the flowers again but the humongous and bloodiest rose shot me an obscene look and yelled, "Don't touch anyone of us, you filthy mongrel! You've already spread enough dirt, thank you."

i opened my mouth to retort but i realized that i can't really say anything because i do not know, for some strange reason, who i am.. So, i closed my hanging mouth stupidly.

"Shut you up, eh?" asked a worn-out looking rose with a heavy British accent.

I nodded, "I don't know who i am -- who i was. But," i hesitated for a fraction of a second before saying "But, I know that I didn't hurt anyone. I couldn't. I wouldn't.."

I know that there's a desperate tone in my voice and I strained myself from smacking my forehead because of the pathetic way i sounded.

The flowers laughed. A rich and jolly laughter. They laughed and laughed and laughed until their leaves hurt and crystallized blood poured out from their petals. Even with the sight of blood, they laughed and laughed and laughed some more. Their twigs began to snap, their stems began to crack, they began to go white as the blood, some crystallized and some liquid, started to drip from their petals. They started to feel ill --- they started to feel as if someone's pulling them from the Earth's muddy and nurturing soil. But even if they're becoming limp, they continued to laugh as hard as they can..

They laughed until there was silence.

I looked around the darkness and I felt scared because of the stillness around. I gave a shaky whisper, "Hello?"

silence. There was no reply. It was no problem, I didn't expect to get any.

But as I made my way out of this unknown and hell-begotten place, I smelled another sweet-smelling scent and I heard a soft but joyless giggle.

***************

Odd eh? The one you've read or glimpsed at is not a dream. I actually wrote that when I'm supposed to be studying for Religion. :P Anyway, I like it. I like odd stuff..

I know that some people think I'm weird and.. I don't really deny it. I sleep with my bed in the middle of the room because rat's might jump on me from the cabinets or from the ceiling --- until my brother pointed out that rats don't jump or fly. (But honestly, I think this borders more on paranoia than weirdness.)  When I was younger, I would put a lot of baby powder on my face and on every inch of my body, thinking that my brown skin would turn white --- until my father explained genetics to me at a very early age (I don't really think he knows that I couldn't understand a single word he's saying back then..)

In my own perspective, everyone has an oddity within the depths of their beings that they're just afraid to show. Well, quite frankly, when you think about it -- it's their oddity that makes them unique. It's our own weirdness that sets us apart from other people.

I'm not telling anyone to believe me or agree with me. This is just a matter of opinion and this happens to be my blog..  Which means I'm always going to be right!  Hahahahaha!  Weh.

So, shake that roundly bottom of yours and dance, dance, dance..

Anyway, back to what I'm saying --- I like the one I wrote. Who would've thought roses could be so mean? Since, roses are always used to show love, love, yidih yadah, love -- i tried to write something about it in a different perspective..

Cheers..

SONG: Jenny by the click 5

dreams, sins, posts..

i was walking on a dark hallway full of candles and for some strange reason -- stamps.. anyway, i was walking and i was calling out names.. i was asking if anybody could hear me. i was asking where the hell am i. i was asking if this is just a stupid illusion. then, there was a girl who called me.. i ran towards her but she was gone.. i called her, asking her who she was.. i found a door near me, i tried to reach the door knob but i was already awake..

sigh. another useless dream.. i often have weird dreams, that's why i always forget to get scared and freaked-out.. but, this one.. i've been dreaming about this one for weeks and i can't get myself to open the fucking door.. oh well..

it's already september!!! yihaaaa.. christmas is approaching. :P the second quarter exams are fast-approaching too.. ugh.

it was PALIHAN last friday.. and i'm just about to tell you my views.. ang sikip noong place na pinuntahan namen.. kasi 71 students ang pinapunta ng teacher.. kaya ayon, it's so hard to teach those little kids. i mean, the space is very limited and there are 71 crying/babbling/teasing/fighting/eating/sweating/drinking/talking/laughing/staring kids.. how dehydrating and exhausting can it be? let's just think that we're devoted religion/science/math/etc teachers..

hmmm.. sila jodie at odessa at eryel at si ampy din pinagtutulungan akoooo.. pati si pipi sumasama sa kalokohan nilaaa.. nakooo.. sn sn sn sn sn sn sn.. sinless nook ang ibig sabihin nyan. right jodie? hahaha. anlabo.. para ngang ironic pa yung naging dating.. tae.. joke lang.. :D

speechless. undoubtedly speechless.. bye bye. :D

SONG: tae.. until now i'm singing 'when we die' by bowling for soup.. may pagka-senti kaya to, diba? basta nakakapanibago sakanila..

fear and some chivalry

I may be an eternal pessimist, I understand ---- I always look at the bad things that’s going on in my life. I may even be the most arse-headed person in the country ---- I don’t really know what’s wrong with me.. Don’t worry, I’m not a complete psycho ---- I can talk some sense sometimes. Anyway, being a naysayer isn’t really fun ----- I get scared because of some gobbledygook reason.. I get worried because of nothing in particular ---- is there something completely wrong with me?

Writing something like this is really tear-jerking.. Yeah, ok.. Ang babaw.. But, for someone like me who tends to laugh at school at all times and who acts as if there’s nothing wrong even if my brain is battling with the things that I am very much afraid to pour out ---- this is one big piece of the most expensive cake in the world that I’m sharing.. I don’t say these sentimental and syrupy stuff for people to pity me, I say this because I am being honest.

In my opinion, being afraid is not a reason to feel entirely incompetent. I am not saying that out of forlorn understanding, I am saying that because that’s that.. I’m not sure I’m making myself quite understandable, but for those who can actually understand the language I’m saying ---- yeeehaaaa.. But, for those who can’t ---- please bear with me.. Or you could stop reading right now. :D Everybody fears something.. The richest man in the universe could fear bankruptcy, the prettiest and youngest person could fear aging and a sagging body, the most powerful could fear ---- defeat. And, yet ---- not everyone’s truthful enough to admit it.

FEAR ---- is a small word with big and humongous meaning. FEAR is easy enough to spell but hard enough to understand. FEAR can come easily but can’t be discarded effortlessly. Fear can make someone do the most stupid and unbelievable thing in life, but fear can also drive someone to conquer it and extinguish it forever. Such complicated thoughts for a simple word..

I don’t really know how to snuff out fear.. I don’t even know how I could vanquish my fears! There are many things that I am afraid of.. I’m afraid of dogs, big-time. I’m hydrophobic, as I’ve openly shared.. And, I’m actually scared of people I like saying their comments behind my back ---- if there’s anything, anything at all that you hate about me, tap me or even slap me if that would make you feel better ---- then, after giving me a good bruise, kindly tell me what I did to you that made you slap me that hard. Well, if you hate me because I have pimples or because I’m fat ---- it would be really hard for me to change that because, you know, it’s really hard to undergo complete ‘abstinence’ ---- it’s like what Garfield AKA Jim Davis said… It’s ‘DIE with a T’.. Get it? Diet? DIE with a ‘T’? Hahahaha.. But, I’m really serious about dropping some fucking weight.

Honestly, I may look stupid and really oblivious and unconscious of what’s going on around me but I do accept straight-forward frankness. Let God be the center of your life ---- hahahaha.. Anlabo na..

Electromagnets do zap.. Says who? Who knows, but being the electromagnet [whatever that is.. Do you that I didn’t know that there’s really a word such as ‘electromagnetosis’? I was oh-so proud because I thought that I invented a word.. Then, my brother typed ‘electromagnetosis’ and he pressed enter.. My blog wasn’t even on the list.. Turns out, there really is an electromagnetosis-word..] that I am, I say that it zaps. One zap and you’re dead.. It’s very strong, you know. It produces enough nuclear energy to dissolve the whole world! When it’s beginning to feel powerful ---- some sweet-smelling, syrupy, buttery, smoke comes from the tip of the electromagnets.. And, when it starts to get angry ---- say your prayers because it can sting and mash you into pieces with just one zap! Poof!

*The last paragraph is a fictitious fiction, but, fiction it may be, I am serious about ‘electromagnetosis’ being a real word.

SONG: Probably, it'll be '1985' by Bowling For Soup.. I was singing it all week.. ....Madonna, way before Nirvana, there was U2 and Blondie... Ok.. tama na.. :p

the makings of a weird dreamer -- or maybe i'm just born that way..

today is the last day of august, and if you're looking at the date on the upper right corner, i just have to inform you that the fucking date is -- WRONG.. I have no idea why.. I've been clicking here and there to make the time and the date correct, but the little devil is very determined to stay that way..

i have a dream.. maybe it's kind of odd -- still.. you know, when i die, i want to meet a mermaid. yeah, stupid, eh? i want to meet a mermaid with long golden-blue hair, i want to hear her sing a joyless and poignant song, i want to know what they do down there.. i want to feel their hands -- if it's cold or warm.. i want to touch their tails.. i want to meet a mermaid..

feel like laughing? please do. i am very much aware how stupid my 'mermaid-dream' is.. but, i actually think that it's pretty cool to live in the sea or in the ocean.. i think it's very interesting to be able to breathe own there -- you see, i'm hydrophobic. ok, not really, really, really afraid of water but the very-deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep-kind of water.. if you're thinking that because of my bizarre dream i don't take a bath -- i actually do take a bath. i'm not that afraid of water..

ok.. let's just forget i said anything. you can just pretend you never read any of these -- save me.. hahaha..

i'm emotionally unstable at the moment because i have my period.. so, i'm saying 'sorry' now to those who are pretty much pissed off with me. i have this really heavy flow and it's making me really feel uneasy and moody.. sorryyyy.. :D

make me weirder when i'm there.. ok? cheers..

SONG: who doesn't like 'Jenny' by the click five? I actually think click five is much, way much better now when kyle patrick is the vocalist rather than that eric dill. just compare those faces!! who would pick eric dill over kyle?? ok.. whatever.. hahahahaha

10 stupid months of fucklore..

10 stupid months of sleepless and dying fucklore.. *I don't really think there's a word such as 'fucklore' -- i made that all up.. pardon the bad mouth -- it's already 10 months since i told myself that I'm going to change -- big surprise, 10 months, I'm still here.. same old me.. same old worthless me..

i was surprised that there are no classes tomorrow -- i really expected mrs. sacdalan to announce that there's going to be classes tomorrow to make-up for the lost days.. i was totally stunned when she didn't mention anything about that.

i've been updating frequently this month -- i'm even awed. i don't really want to abandon this blog -- especially if someone else made an account for me.. cheers, lourdes :D

for the term paper -- odessa and i are going to write something about anansi boys.. cheers.. she's borrowing my book right now and i can't really blame her for not participating in any of our conversations because she's 'hooked' to the book. who can't blame her? it's neil gaiman's book we're talking about! neil gaiman -- one of the hottest writers in the world.. too bad he's married.. why do i always get obsessed with married or stagged guys or straights?

i have nothing more to say -- unless you tell me something really stunning -- i'll definitely post it. hahaha.. my one great ambition is to see my name on the newspaper -- decent newspaper, mind. About something good.. hahahah.. why did this fucking topic suddenly spurt out of nowhere? weird..

SONG: really.. naLSS ako dahil kinakanta ni raia ang 'Anthem of Our Dying Day'.. ayon.. ang tagal na nya pero hanggang ngayon memorize ko padin sya?? demo? gusto ko pag-kaharap na kita. :D

they can't break me -- as long as i know who i am

well, obviously, i'm in one of the 'moods' to update this hell-begotten blog. my last post was about wishing that there are no classes.. the classes, as we all know, have been suspended last wednesday until friday and now it's a monday -- and it's a holiday so there are still no classes.. to be brutally frank, i missed school because i was bored.. bored.. bored.. fucking boooooreeeed.. the good things during no-classes days are as follows: you can stay up late and wake up late, you can wake up in the middle of the night and do whatever decent thing you want, you can sleep again and sleep again and sleep again.. fun.. I LOVE SLEEPING!!!

anyway, i have this strong feeling that there will be classes tomorrow..

the other day -- i couldn't go to raia's party -- i was so effing mad at the storm/typhoon/tsunami.. whatever.. i even planned what to wear! fucking egoy/egay..

yesterday, we went to robinson's pioneer and i saw STARDUST!!! hahahaha!! i bought it without much further hesitation because it's just so hard to finddddd!!! i also bought one for raia.. :D i suddenly became a neil gaiman fan.. i read Coraline, i borrowed the book from raia -- that time i thought that the story was mentally-disturbing.. then, i borrowed another book from raia -- smoke and mirrors -- this time, i was sure that he's brain was not common, his imagination -- in a good way.. i mean, he could write twisted stories that you won't forget for a week! that's how powerful his impact on me was.. don't get me wrong -- he's a bloody good writer. i've read anansi boy's, good omens, stardust, yeah -- Coraline, and the short stories from smoke and mirrors and i'm currently finishing neverwhere.. Writer's like Neil Gaiman doesn't/don't come often -- so if one discovers such a writer -- he or she must try to collect all the author's book! -- that's what Raia and I are trying right now.. but, his books are very hard to find, mind you..

SONG: hahahaha.. "I'm Still Here" you know.. from the Treasure Planet Movie.. This is a bloody sad song.. 'Cause I want a moment to be real.. wanna touch things I don't feel, wanna hold on and feel I belong.. :D

our story, our life.. who am i..? huh?

it was a bitter and rainy day -- i woke up feeling gloomy because of the sad and weak weather.. i went inside the study room to take a look at my pe project.. the gymnastic-twist-your-limbs-thing.. i sat down with a very long sigh.. i began to draw stick figures in different and weird postions -- after debating with my self that i can't possbily contort myself with those positions -- i erased it, cursing and furrowing my eyebrows.. when i noticed that's it's almost 5:30, i decided to wash my self, and get ready for school.. boring..

so we went to school, me carrying a bunch of school books used for props, cursing again because i don't like the ominous and extremely dismal weather that's giving me the creeps.. i went inside the car and sat down.. ok, so it's obvious that i'm supposed to be sitting down because i can't possibly go inside the car standing up.. whatever.. anyway, we reached STC and my father sort-of panicked because i was not in a hurry to go down and it was starting to rain.. i went to the stairs, my eyebrows close together it felt like it was stitched that way -- i went inside the classroom and the feeling of melancholy evaporated at the sight of the classroom -- don't ask me, i don't have any fucking idea why.. maybe it's because i'm inside the school already..

i was inside the classroom and i took a piece of bondpaper to finish my wretched and late requirement for TLE.. I hastily pointed out the importance of talking about human sexuality and being aware of it -- it could help avoid premarital sex and unwanted pregnancies. Then -- Jodie came, we talked about someone then I think asked if Raia's in their classroom already -- Mackee said she was there.. I dropped my pen and went to iii-6 classroom.. I stayed there until the bell started to ring..

the thing that made my day euphoric is the announcement that classes have been suspended.. don't pretend to be sad.. I know everybody's exultant because the classes, er, have been suspended..

anyway -- we don't have classes tomorrow.. cheers.. okkkkk.. so, for the people out there who's actually depressed because there are no classes -- i'm extremely sad for you.. too bad, mother earth is starting to teach us our lessons.. We can't call it 'fate' or 'destiny', though.. Because in MY opinion -- we weave our own story, we fabricate our own life, we make the person we are.. Call me mental or anything.. it's just how it is..

SONG: I'm actually feeling sad again because i listened to 'What Sarah Said' -- everytime i hear that song -- the euphoria i'm feeling vanishes.. no idea..

my stroke of inspiration came!!!!

i know that this blog sucks. i haven't been updating.. firstly, if i want to update -- i want my imagination swarming all around me so i can type/write without any hindrance.. secondly, i want long and lengthy posts.. but since all i've managed to post last july were arse-worthy posts, i stopped for a while.. i need a stroke of inspiration to have me typing again.. and, it came!!! it came.. :D

i finally finished the last Harry Potter book!!! hahahaha!!! it's a bloody great achievement for me because the only thing i've managed to read from lara's book was the epilogue part.. and now --- now.. after months and months and months of waiting -- i know the whole story. I KNOW!!!!! wahahahahaha!!! weeeell.. that cuts it -- i did finish the book but i was actually sort of disappointed because it would be the last book about Harry.. i liked the story kasi ehhhh.. it made me think that some things may not be impossible at all.. i used to believe that magic exists -- this was before the HP era..

when i was about four to nine years old -- i believed in magic. i think it started with the movie 'Matilda' from Roald Dahl's book.. i would often scruch up my face and imagine that i'm beheading my enemy [during those times -- my brother.. i don't really think that Matilda beheaded her parents, though.. i think she was more of the flying-objects-thingy-magic..] anyway, i was just waiting for the 'magic' within me to come. i would pray to God every night without fail, reminding him about my magic powers, begging him to finally give some -- even bits to me. i still remember the dozens of coins i dropped in many different wishing wells -- all bearing the same wish: that i receive my powers. i don't really know what i would do if i had the magic powers -- during those years, i would imagine myself talking to mermaids and being able to swim without holding my breath, and playing with fairies and buying all the toys in toy stores -- well, mostly dolls.. i don't really know what made me snap back to reality.. i can't really remember why i stopped wishing for the magic within me to appear -- maybe i got too old.

when i remember it now -- i can't help but smile. i mean, i was stupid enough to believe that magic exists.. heck, i even prayed for it. so.. it was a nice feeling about harry potter -- it's like my prayers were in that book.. even if it didn't talk about my bit of fantasy about playing with fairies..

anyway.. the series was finished.. sighhh..

this post is a damn longer one than last month..

SONG: I Will by The Beatles. I adore this. It was the first song my brother memorized and acted.. cheers..