Omg I started watching the 6th season of Black Mirror yesterday and it's *chef's kiss* (I'll spoil for a bit) BUT I was shocked to my very core that the 1st episode has a happy ending??? I really didn't expect it. It was so meta! I loved it. I only ever watched Annie Murphy in Schitt's Creek but oh em gee she's so versatile! Grabe the range. I'm impressed! Clap clap clap!
As usual, I can't binge watch Black Mirror because I find it heavy?? So isa-isa muna. Today I watched Mazey Day! May funny part but I won't say. Basta yung medj during the climax tawang tawa talaga ako kasi ????? HAHAHHAHAHAHA pero omg super dami symbolisms & I GOOGLED AFTER & I GOT THE SYMBOLISMS RIGHT Lolzzzzz
Also I made a Rina-Yoongi wedding playlist HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA BAKIT!!!! SABI NILA MANIFEST DAW HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
Hello I AM BAAAACK! The last few months were.. jarring? Idk i did a lot of stuff & met up with a lot of friends to distract myself from stuff. My parents even helped make me feel better (as always)! We spent 2 weeks in Japan last May! So, since it was a spontaneous trip - sobrang mema nalang ng iba naming pinuntahan. Like.. sobrang weird ng itinerary HAHAHAHA but what I enjoyed the most was our Hiroshima Day Trip. Grabe so like may part dun na we looked at the children who died during the bombing & gago buti it was a dark kasi umiiyak na ko HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA gago ang hirap not to get affected kasi. They were so young.
For a spontaneous trip, we were able to go to Hiroshima, Nagoya, Kyoto, syempre tourist destinations like Himeji, Kobe, Nara, etc etc. We stayed the longest in Osaka. Or Tokyo?? Idk na. I really wanted to go to Studio Ghibli Theme Park but it was out of the way?? And like may iba na kami binili na tickets and stuff for other places. My mom's planning to go back next year but she wants like Sapporo part naman. KELANGAN MASINGIT STUDIO GHIBLI THEME PARK KO - I'll throw a fit talaga if hindi JOKE.
So it was funny 'cause ang budget ko lang for my friends was 50 yen/head HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I TOLD JODIE & SHE SAID, "Wala ka naman mabibili ng 50/yen" tas sabi ko, "I'll find a way" but gurrrrrl tangina inabot ng 21, 000 yen yung ginastos ko for my friends. Grrrrr. Partida super close friends lang binilan ko ng pasalubong. Hay. Edi sana 3 na NB 327s nabili ko. I was only able to buy 2 lang. Hay. BUT OMG YEHEEEEEEY I got 2 NB 327s!!! After a loooooong time of whoring over it - i finally bought 2 YAHUUUUU. Pero parang mas madami colorways in Korea. MY MOM ASKED IF I WANTED TO GO TO SOUTH KOREA BUT I SAID IT'S A NO FOR ME KASI... syempre ang modus ko dun BTS. Di naman nila maeenjoy yun. I need my first SoKor trip to be with friends para G lang ako maging gaga HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
My last post was really sad pala. It was so raw and emotional. Pero yeah, legit, I'm not groomed for a lackluster life. Idk. Like I don't aspire to be like the best or to be at the top of my field - I just want to be a good and a kind doctor but grabe I was brought up with the belief that the world is my oyster, gets? AND IT'S KILLING ME THAT IT'S TAKING A VERY LONG TIME TO HARVEST THAT OYSTER, you know? Pagod na ko to always just depend on my parents financially. Contrary to popular belief, gago, kahit gano ka-supportive ng parents ko, tangina naman, hindi kaya maganda sa feeling na 31 na ko tas dependent padin ako sakanila. It's literally killing me inside. Pagod na din ako for always not being good enough. For not being enough.
I've been really lonely the last few months. Or maybe I've been so alone with my thoughts lang. There are weeks kasi na i just stay at my condo and refuse to meet up with friends. Tas I'll listen to sad songs lang and mope. Very HS Rina vibes. I'm 100% sure this is not MDD because I don't meet the DSM V criteria at all. So, I guess I'm just sad. I feel so rejected and miserable. WHICH DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE because i know my family & friends love me. I really don't understand why I feel this way. I HONESTLY DON'T.
I guess, Idk, maybe I'm lost?? I'm lost and I want to be found. YEEEEES HAHAHAHAHA. Pero legit. I just want someone to see me. Since I was in HS (see HS jej posts HAHAHAHAHAHA) I've been saying that I only need one person. Just one person. Just one person who would see me, understand me, & like me for me. Well, don't we all?
Ex-bff told me, when we were still talking, during one of our fights that I make myself hard to love. Like, I'm hard to love and be friends with. TBH I DON'T THINK SO. But with the circumstances.. Idk. That stupid bitch really did a number on me. But I don't think I'm asking for a lot, man. Loyalty and honesty and being a true friend - is that unreasonable?
A few weeks ago, I've been having a down day so I decided to dispirit myself more and watch 3 depressing movies: A Walk to Remember, Me Before You, and The Fault in Our Stars. Tbh, though, i have a penchant for endings wherein the protagonists don't end up together. Emotional masochism? Maybe. Yes. So, anyway, there was a part in The Fault in Our Stars wherein Augustus said (OH this was during his eulogy for Hazel Grace!) that Hazel Grace wasn't loved widely but she was loved deeply. And that - THAT'S what I WANT. It doesn't necessarily have to be something romantic, hello hindi na nga ako nagkakagusto sa totoong tao, puro BTS nalang HAHAHAHAHA, but a platonic love like that? I would be over the moon!
Tbh I think I had that with Mau but I was such a shit friend so we kind of drifted apart. She was such an amazing and a very good friend. She always went the extra mile to make me feel special to her. It was overwhelming sometimes because she was such an incredible friend and I wouldn't be able to match that ever. I see her posts now and she's so happy! She deserves that! I, honestly, haven't had that connection with anyone before. Like legit we're always on the same page to the point where we always end each other's sentences. LIKE LEGIT sometimes even the two of us were amazed.
I love Jodie but she's an introvert and she really needs space sometimes. AND TBH majority of my friends are introverts. Jodie said I'm a collector but I beg to disagree. I think I'm a magnet. I don't go out looking for introvert people, okay. Naghahanap nga ako ng extrovert friend.
I've been an advocate of being comfortable in one's skin and being okay with being alone (like relationship-wise, I think I still feel the same way. Wala naman nagbago dun. AND, GOSH, BTS NALANG NGA BUHAY KO HUHUHUHU) Pero like.. I just want a ride-or-die platonic relationship where that person sees me, you know? I don't think I'll ever get tired of being alone because I actually enjoy my own company but, dear god, I'm so fucking tired of being lonely.
It's not just one reason, I think, it'a s collective sadness. Like.. feeling lonely, uncertainty about my future, having no direction in life. Omg so am I back to my HS feels? Ugh dear God. WELL, 15 years later and I'm back with this feeling. BUT like 15 years ago - I'm hoping for brighter days ahead.
That's the tea. I'm so down in the dumps and I'm so fed up of pretending that the short-term distractions are enough. I'm so sad. What can I do, right? I can just hope.
I don't think I'm okay.
I have lived a very charmed life. Honestly, I think the biggest shit I've experienced are all related with school. My parents never made me feel I was lacking, though. I was raised to believe that I am special and I could achieve great things as long as I work hard for it.
But that's the thing.. lately, I've been feeling like I'm not destined for exceptional things.. that maybe, maybe I'm just headed for a lackluster, average life. That's something that sets me off - I'm not prepared for the average. I have always prepared myself for something more. And more than this realization, it's killing me that I couldn't ever show my parents that.. glow. I'm just so sad.
A lot of people, for the longest time, would message me (and even tell me in real life) on how much they admire how strong I am, how resilient I am, how I'm such a fighter. But, dear God, I'm so tired. Why do I always have to fight for my place in this world? I'm so tired of being strong. I'm so tired.
Omg February flew by so fast! PLEs are this coming Sunday PLEASE HOLY JESUS INCLUDE US IN YOUR PRAYERS! I can't go through this again! I CAN'T. It's so mentally and emotionally draining! Ba't ba ko nag-MD HUHUHUHUHU
HUHU pls include us in your prayers
Omg a lot has happened the past few days. Gosh, I realized how sheltered I am. I am shocked to my very core that some people are actually like that. Jesus. I thought it was something made out of a movie or like something that only happens in movies but holy crap wtf is that. I really am shocked to my very core.
Anyway, gosh I love BTS so much. Like I could rewatch old vides over and over and still finish each video with a goofy smile on my face. I love them so much. OH MY GOD AND CAN I JUST SAY - hindi na ko nagkakagusto sa totoong tao tanginaaaa HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA like legit!!! I haven't liked anyone in a really long time SINCE BTS. As in BTS nalang talaga life ko and tbh I HAVE NO REGRETS. They don't make me cry heartbreaking tears!!! Well except Seokjin (so far) when he enlisted HUHUHUHUHUHUHU i miss him so much!
I really love Yoongi PANO BA 'TO LORD. I was telling my mom and she sympathetically told me, "Anak, kelangan mo na bumalik sa reality" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA pero like legit, if you backread and stuff - di ko talaga priority kasi love life since I was in HS. Like I'm happy and contented with who I have in my life. EH PUCHA DUMATING PA BTS - SO PANO NA. Mas pusong bato tayo ngayon HAHAHAHAHAHA pero grabe they make me really happy talaga. Even their songs are catchy AF and like very uplifting. Hay.
BTS FOR LYF BITCHEZZZZZZZZZZ
Happy 1st of February everyone! Since I was little, I was a firm believer of starting the month right. Like how you were would dictate how your whole month would go. I think I got the idea from The Babysitter's Club. Omg specifically Baby-Sitters Little Sister. I read about Karen Brewer first before diving into The Babysitter's Club. I remember thinking Karen was a spoiled brat but I was already enthralled with the other characters. Omgggg super flashbacks right now! I remember hoarding the books at Goodwill Bookstore in Glorietta (OMG DO YOU GUYS STILL REMEMBER GOODWILL??? I love that bookstore plus FullyBooked!!!) there was a Sanrio at the lower floor, remember??? Or I got it the other way around? My mom loved taking us there (Sanrio) because she loved dressing me up and buying like cute mini bracelets and bags and stuffed toys when I was a kid. I remember I loooooved going there because all the stuff were cute! PLUS GOODWILL! My parents were very supportive of our reading habits so they indulged us with all the books we wanted! During peak Harry Potter era - we would get early reservations and shit so we could get the copies immediately without waiting and stuff. I'm really blessed with my parents.
Anyway, I'm really shocked that not a lot of people pala love reading novels. Almost everyone in STC kasi reads. Like hiram hiram nalang ng books and pasa-pasahan by friends. So like majority of the people I know read talaga. AND I LOVE READING (NON-MED RELATED PLS) so much because my imagination could go crazy and ahhhhhhhh gosh. I miss reading. I HAVEN'T OPENED MY KINDLE SINCE I HAD COVID LAST OCTOBER. Oh yeah, I wasn't able to take the PLEs last October because I had COVID and I was confined to the hospital. Anyway, when I decided I won't be taking the boards (hello naka-IV and shit ako) - KINDLE TIME. Pero like CDB reviews started in November so I haven't touched my Kindle since October. Hay. I miss it so much. It's my favorite gadget EVER.
PLUS MY OLD IPOD CLASSIC WHICH I CAN'T FIND. Duuuuuude, my songs were out of this world! I'm really proud of my music taste. Sobrang obvious naman since I started this blog. Although I think I'm more accepting and less snooty now compared to when I was a teenager. Medj feeler ako nun like I really thought I was super superior. O maldita lang talaga ako. Idk. BUT THEN HELLO I WAS ONLY 14! I'm turning 31 now! So I guess I matured in some aspects. ESPECIALLY VIEWS IN LIFE! I'm still kulit but I can be more serious now.
There were a lot of stuff the past few weeks. I stopped my antidepressants and benzo BUT I had to go back to my antidepressants because I'm not okay. Like.. I know I'm not okay. Oh yeahhh that's something I have to work on pala. I really have a tendency to push people away when I'm sad. I started doing it again. But the thing is, like what I've told Z, I know I'm blessed. God, I'm so blessed. I feel so guilty being sad because it feels like I have no right to be? Do you get what I'm saying? Idk. I just feel like I'm in the wrong for feeling this way because, honestly, I have nothing to complain about. I have the most amazing, the most supportive, the most loving, the most understanding parents. We're okay, we won't starve anytime soon. We're safe. I have really, really great friends who take care of me and always look out for me. I have everything I need. I also get most of the stuff I want (to my dad's dismay. He hates it when my mom spoils me) So.. what's there to be sad about? You know? It just feels wrong. But, alas, there it was.. my grief holding hands with anger. So anyway, I had to go back to my antidepressants.
Idk maybe it's my ADHD. I mean, the way I'm feeling.. like I tend to feel things deeply. I read it was possible. Like, I'm not making excuses but, gosh, behind this tough facade is a softie who wants someone to care about her too. 🤪 DI LANG HALATA HAHAHAHAHA.
Anyway just a random update. But, oh yeah, I cut myself off before I got to my point! My point is, today was a very good start for the month of February! It was really not a bad day. I hope it's as great as November 2022 but we'll see.
OH YEAH, omg, I'm trying so hard to memorize Lose Yourself by Eminem HAHHAAHHAHAHAA but I can't finish the first verse without panting! Rapping is really not for me. Or maybe I should just lose weight? 🤔
And super random omg I want the new MBP 14" pero hello I won't be able to maximize it naman PLUS it's like PHP 100k+! My mom would murder me in my sleep HAHAHHAAHA! But it looks so nice! BUT I LOVE MY TOUCHBAR so idk how I would adjust and function when I buy a new MacBook without a touchbar. Idk.
PLEASE PRAY FOR ME FOR THE BOARDS! 🫡
You think you know a person and suddenly, out of the blue, a big whoosh comes out and, oh boy, was everything a lie. Damn. I'm really okay and I'm really contented and stuff but, damn, I can't fathom how some people can be so cruel. How can people sleep soundly at night knowing that they deliberately destroyed someone they "care about"? Someone "they love"? It baffles me. Like, honestly, I know I rub some people off the wrong way - I can be obnoxious, condescending, very judgmental as fuck, loud, and.. everyone's favorite - tactless. But damn.. I know I have good qualities too and many people love me for it. So, despite my flaws, I know I didn't - I NEVER deserved any of the shit I went through. I opened up and showed him the real me and, by God, I don't know him at all. I never got pass the facade.
Honestly, since I'm in a good place in my life now, I really wish him no ill-will and I know he's going to be super great with his practice and stuff. I will always be proud of him from afar. But, gosh, I really made the right call back in October. I don't regret any of it. I don't know him at all eh.
But the important thing is - I got my glow back!! People noticed! They said I'm blooming! HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA - guys, it's just me 💁🏻♀️ JOKE HAHAHHAAHA
So anyway, I'm sure you'll get your glow back. Feel the pain but never dwell. Chin up, hold your head up high. 💜
I find myself updating more often since, like what I've said, I cut off a lot of people so sometimes when I want to sprak - I just need to like talk to myself and put my words out there, you know? Like I'm talking to the void. It's sort of cathartic, tbh. PLUS, I honestly feel super guilty because I neglected this space last year! And I kept on bringing up how this blog has been with me since I was 14 y/o - then I abandoned it for a year. 🥹🥲
I just finished the module on Schistosoma. Can I just say - gosh, Dr. Toom is such an amazing professor. My friends and I are raving about him. He teaches SO WELL plus HE CARES. He always says stuff like, "We're in this together" or "We'll cross the finish line together." I could really feel the care and the love. PLUS!!! He integrates everything! So like, if our topic is Infectious Diseases - all subjects that cover it would be tackled. Like Micro, Para, Ana, Pharma, IM - all Infectious Diseases! That worked for me in medical school eh. Way, way, way, way back, that's what my dad and my psych observed. They said they thought PBL would be more helpful for me (since I have ADHD) - eh anong magagawa ko, di naman ako member ng CHED, diba? HAHAHAHA kahit mag-rally ako mag-isa, wala naman mangyayari. Pero anyway, I love Dr. Toom. I would really trust his process, and by God, STOP PROCRASTINATING. Gurrrl, you ain't smart - gumalaw galaw ka na dyan. Dami mo pa backlogs.
Idk when I started it, I can't remember actually, but for the longest time, my blog titles are song lyrics. It's something that currently resonates with me OR something I'm LSS-ed with. So, right now it's Poison & Wine.
I got my 6th tattoo yesterday with Nikki at inkedbyginn! Omg it was super hard to book her ha. As in super beastmode kami when she opened her slots. I took the risk of having online classes while having my tattoo. HAHAHHAAHA Z was supposed to be there but she got sick with the.. snuffles. JOKE HAHAHA. Feel ko talaga ATP. Anyway, I won't tell you what design and where it's placed. It's for Yoongi's eyes only. JOKE HAHAHA. But it's my first time to get a colored one! My other 5 tattoos are all black. I have 2 other tattoos I'm committed to having but Nikka won't commit yet so wala pa ko kasama! And can I just say, sobrang mema ng mga tattoos ko HAHAHAHAHA like 3 lang ata may meaning. Ay that's half naman pala. Pero the other 2 I want to have pa, mema din lang ulit HAHAHAHAHA eh I want eh.
It's Friday the 13th. Do you believe it's unlucky? I don't know. Parang nothing happens naman to me during Friday the 13th. I once knew someone who gets extremely lucky during Friday the 13th! As in she wins sa mga raffles etc. I want that luck!
Anyway, if you're here, I wish you know how special and pure you are and you are worth so much more. It'll take some time because healing is not linear, but oh boy, believe you me, the journey is going to be worth it when you finally reach your destination. A weight will truly be lifted off your shoulders. I know so.
Here's to brighter and sunnier days!
P. S. Please include me in your prayers for the boards HUHUHUHU
Omg it's been a year since I updated! I can't believe I abandoned this blog which omg I had since I was 14. I'm 30 now fyi. I'm turning 31 in a few months! A lot happened last year but it was one of the best years of my life (especially after 4 fucking fiasco-filled years, you know?)
