So, as I've said on my previous post, I'm in an Olivia Rodrigo discography era. AND IDK WHAT'S WITH THIS SONG BUT GOD I'm crushed. It doesn't even make sense because the lyrics aren't appropriate with what I'm feeling. Actually, same with drivers license, I don't relate with the lyrics but it, like, gave me the feeling of grief. From what I can pinpoint now is - I'm disappointed with myself. I'm disappointed because when I was younger (THIS BLOG HAS RECEIPTS) I thought I would've been something, someone important and flourishing, by 30. I'm 33 now turning 34 and I'm.. lost.
This is like a recurring theme with my life. I don't like comparing myself to other people because I really believe we have different timelines but I'm 33 and I haven't achieved anything. My first choice of specialization won't accept me. I'm severely lacking and it really killed me last year because for the past 3 years, that was the one thing I was sure of in life. That was the specialty I wanted to pursue.
So, I have to adjust. I have to recalibrate. Again and again and again. I have to look at my life and think of what else to do. And that's where I am now. Sometimes, I'm fine. Other times I just burst out crying without much prompting. Idk. Maybe I'm extremely hormonal right now idk. I'm happy for my friends who're pursuing (and reached) their dreams. I'm just grieving the dreams I have to discard. I'm just grieving the person I didn't become. It just feels really heavy sometimes.
Sometimes it just feels tiring to keep on fighting and pushing and "being strong" and I honestly just feel hopeless. Which seems insensitive because I know I've been really blessed in life. IDK it's a weird spot to be at sometimes.
But just.. idk. Let me grieve. Let me grieve the person I didn't become and the person I have lost through all these.
Wow, who would have thought Olivia Rodrigo would evoke this kind of existential crisis from me? HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA
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