Oh my love, can't you see yourself by my side?

 

All the lies, They're just a game To filll the void

 

It's just a dream, it's only fake I just gotta leave

 

Like a prayer you don't expect an answer, though you ask for one

It's Christmas & it used to mean a lot like 3 years ago. Tbh, I feel nothing, like FINALLY I reached my threshold and I just see him as a menace. He's not a good person. He really is not; the way he treats me, the way he talks to me, the way he fights with me - god, I really don't have any self-respect, huh? He thinks Idk about the other people - when, really, I have receipts. I know everything. I cared before because I considered him a friend but, honestly, he's just a stranger. I don't know anything about him. I don't know him. I guess I'm just tired of the constant lies and being taken for granted. I honestly don't care if he gets struck with lightning, like I'm just impervious about it. Of course I'm not wishing him ill, I just mean - I don't care anymore. I'm tired. It's been 2 years, please let me rest now. I seriously can't wait to graduate and get out of this shithole. God, please, please, please, for once, can you please listen to my prayer and just, for once, answer it. Please.

On something totally different but SUPER COOL. I've been a BTS fan since August. It's all Z's fault! I started with Jungkook as my bias but slowly.. it became Yoongi. GODDDDD I love him so much HAHAHAHAHAHA ANG SUNGIT KASI! He's so adorable! Huhuhuhuhuhu!

Anyway, Merry Christmas, fuckers! May the holidays be merry and bright for everyone!

I can't be everything you want me to be

I keep on going back to our last night today. We were driving around, looking for a place to eat dinner at, we were going back and forth because we can't make up our minds. That's us. We're both fickle-minded. I was reading an article about Anna Sorokin, the fake heiress who was able to fool high society. If I knew then what I know now, I would've savored that last night. I would've held your hand and sang some of our favorite car jams. I wouldn't have kept mum to finish reading about someone I don't really give a damn.

I still remember your full-on grins. I still remember where we ate at that night. It was a new place for us. 

It's been 2 years and it still hurts like fuck that you were able to throw everything away. You don't respect me, you take me for granted. I don't what I did so wrong in life that I had to experience all of this shit. The sad thing is I really loved you. You were my best friend.

(Photo not mine. I just found it somewhere on google. Now that's just something I have to always remember.)

Cosy Ain't Cosy

 I've been reading this god awful novel and it sparked all the bad memories from 2 (nay, 3) years ago. It's been two - TWO fucking years and I'm still not okay. I'm still not fine. 

I realize that this is toxic - REALLY TOXIC but I can't seem to pull myself out. God. I can't wait to graduate and just leave, you know?

I still don't understand how this happened to me. I may not be the best person in the world but I don't deserve any of this.

I lost count so long ago, maybe my heart's numb.

It's still the same. We've been videochatting without fail every day. We're updated with each other's lives. We know what's up with each other's families. We're friends.... Honestly, I know this is going to hurt like a bitch when it finally ends after graduation but Idk, I guess I still care for this person. It's a habit in some ways.

We were on our usual video thing, I asked about his exes. I was laughing because some stuff were funny but then I noticed that there's, like, a sudden pang of sadness. I mean.. I would never be that. I'm not his ex. I'm just one of the people he dated. And, by God, that still hurts. I was not special enough nor important enough to be committed to, you know? I was just someone who fell in love with him and he deemed not important or lovable enough to be committed with. It really sucks, man.

When I was younger, I was a stupid fuck who thought labels weren't important, and ohhhh boy, was I a stupid motherfucker. Maybe for some people it would be enough? But I realized when I get into deep (literally and figuratively HAHAHAHA lol joke) someone - I'm one of those people who needed a label. Actually, I just realized that after this fiasco. I have no claims eh. I was just someone he dated. He could easily deny me and say there was nothing. Like, it was just casual for him and he wanted it to be casual but I was the one who wanted it to be serious. I have nothing that could rebutt that eh. For me it was more but then there was no label.

To be fair, I think he did like me, but then, he didn't choose me. I don't think that there's a perfect person tbh. I think love is actually work. Yeah there's attraction and stuff but later on, you have to choose the person every day. Like, okay, love is not all feelings - I really believe it's a choice. He didn't choose me. He will never choose me.

He's still fickle-minded. Sometimes he tells me he has feelings for me, he loves me. But, honestly? I don't think so. True love isn't supposed to be this hard. Yeah, it's hard work but it's not supposed to be like this. It's not supposed to rip your heart out and question why you're not enough and when will you finally be enough; when will he finally choose you.

I really do love him, by God, I really do. He's cute, he's so corny it's funny, he's so, so, so smart. I really jive with him. I could read his face easily. I know his expressions well. I know what he's thinking with just an arch of an eyebrow or a small laugh. And, omg, I've never opened up to anyone like how I did with him. I showed him all the dark spots, I let him in the crevice of my soul. I showed him me. I never have to pretend with him - good parts, bad parts. I don't know if he judged any of my ugly parts but I'm always myself with him.

The thing is, my ego couldn't take how easy it was for him to replace me. I tried winning him back over and over and over. And right now, Idk, I'm just taking it as it goes. I do know we're not meant to be together. Omg it's so obvious he doesn't love me anymore. If he ever did love me 🤷🏻‍♀️

Another thing I realized is that I'm just a one person woman. That's why this is so hard for me. I thought he was the one. Like, oh my gosh I lucked out. But, by God, I really wish there's someone out there for me who would he lucked out with me. Like, dammmmn I can't believe I'm with this girl. Who could never go to sleep at night knowing he made/he's making me cry (it's very easy for this person kasi. I can't count the number of times he fell asleep peacefully while I was just there bawling my heart out). I can't count the number of times I felt like dying and whilst I was crying, I was begging God to make the pain stop. I swear to God. It's so funny it happened to me 'no? I thought I was invincible and super smart; therefore, I won't experience any of this shit. Anyway, I do hope there's a cutie out there for me - who would never let me experience all the shit I've experienced from this situationship.

The thing is, I honestly thing that I could just move forward after graduation. Idk, man. This really sucks.

It's really fuckin' hard 'cause I know that I meant it

God. All the issues around the world right now are really overwhelming and depressing. 

I had to take a step back from using social media because I get really affected and I get stressed out. It doesn't mean I don't care - I care A LOT, that's why.

FUCKING FINALLY

I am finally a fucking clinical clerk. FINALLY. After 6 years I've finally, finally reached this. I know it's going to be an uphill battle and I'm going to be the lowest of the low but this is it. 

Life Updates

I have an oral exam on OB-Gyne tomorrow but god I am still so tired from the 5th longs last week.

Anyway, the world is under a pandemic right now and ugh I don't really want to dwell on that because that's where my head has been since March.

Right now.. well. We're always talking. We video chat and talk on the phone every day. Sometimes he says he has feelings for me. Sometimes he says he thinks we're better off friends. But sometimes he says he doesn't know if he just want to stay friends. The one thing he's sure of, though, was that he wants me in his life forever.

Labo diba? This person really gets me and it sucks so bad that we're like this. But, Idk. I think I have to learn to detach from him. By graduation, when I leave school, I think.. I think the best thing to do is leave everything behind and start fresh somewhere, you know?

The sucky part was I wasn't able to properly grieve in 2018. It's like everybody just expected me to move on, to forget how much I loved this guy, how much this guy meant to me.. How I thought this person was it, you know? "Just move on." As if it's that easy. And so.. I wasn't able to grieve.

You know, the funny thing was, we only stopped talking for two months. By December, we were talking every day and updating each other and telling each other stuff. I think that was another mistake. I should've just stopped and never replied and shit. I mean, I wasn't fully over him then and then.. we're back to normal.

He keeps on saying that he's not with anyone. Until now. He keeps on saying he's single and he's not courting anyone and Idk. I know and I feel like a back-up plan. It's just hard because I get to se him every day. WELL, except the last few months (since March!!!!!) but he calls and video chats every day.

It's really hard because I really loved him and I'm always 100% myself with him - good parts, bad parts, everything. So.. Idk. 

I wish I'd get to move on na. Maybe then, being "best friends" would be the perfect set up with him.

I Fell Hard and I Fell Fast

It's 2:05 in the morning. I have a lot of stories and random shit I want to tackle and discuss.. but the person I want to talk to - I'm no longer talking with. It sucks so bad.

What If God Was One Of Us?

I'm rewatching Lucifer for the nth time! Damn, I really love this series! Lucifer is so hilarious! And it mostly tackles daddy issues and stuff. I really love this so much.

So, we're a week late on our thesis paper. I honestly don't know what will happen. I'm tired, I already did my part. I just want to binge watch my TV shows on Netflix. Hay.

Oh, on other news, FRIENDS would be removed from Netflix 😞 😒 BOO FUCKING HOO!

I have to take in my ADHD meds but I forgot it at home. My head's all over the place.

***

I miss you. So. Freaking. Much. But I know ringing you would mend your heart and break mine (thanks Yellowcard for that lol) Well, but I'm trying to be stronger now. I won't message, I won't message, I won't message. I won't reply, I won't reply, I won't reply. It's just saddening that he doesn't (never has - never will) miss me as much as I miss him. I'm just one of the girls from his never ending harem. Damn, I have to keep in mind that he never really loved me anyway; I'm just one of his games.

It still hurts because I loved him so much.

I have to be firm. I have to be strong - for myself. I just miss the good mornings and good nights and random stories, random photos, random updates about his family, friends, shit like that. Can you blame me? I was stuck with that for 2 years, well, except the 2 months we weren't talking but, yeah, 2 years. I thought he was constant. No, he is a constant - a constant reminder that he was a mistake.

Damn. Why is it so hard to move on? I think 'cause I gave it my all. I really loved him. I really did.

I have to keep reminding myself that the bad outweighs the good, that he broke my heart continuously, that he never cares about me, that he'll never change, that I will never be his 1st choice, that I'm a back-up plan. Damn. Just get out of my life. Although, in fairness, he's doing that. He hasn't messaged me today, so, yeah.

Lord, please help me be strong 💪

SELF-LOVE 2020! 💓

Careless.

Happy New Year, everyone! I am currently into Alexa and Katie! I thought it was like a meh series but it's actually really nice and informative. Alexa has cancer and this is her adventure throughout her rough ordeal. Katie is her best friend who sticks with her. It's actually really heartwarming!

Anyway, it's going to be an interesting year. I promised more self-love this year. Like what Mufasa said, "I've forgotten who I am." Lol haha. It's like because he stopped loving me - I stopped loving myself as well. That's NEVER acceptable. Can you imagine 13 year-old Rina choosing someone who doesn't choose her over and over and over and over? No. It's time I go back to choosing myself and what's best for myself ALWAYS.

I promise to let go of the people who don't choose me and don't fight for me. People like that would never change. Enough.

2020 is for letting go and moving on to greater things. 💕 'Cause I know this is NOT the best.

Here's to an amazing 2020 to all of us! 🍻 🥂