The Sun Is Coming Out.

It's a bad few months but it doesn't mean it's a bad life. It really isn't a bad life. ☺☺☺

It's All In Your Mind.

But is it really? Is it? Have you ever tried, like, really listening to Spaceman by The Killers? I don't know what it means to you but for me - it's about a depressed person who botched up her/his suicide attempt. I mean, the lyrics say it all. You got to read between the lines but it's there.

"It started with a low light. Next thing I knew they ripped me from my bed and then they took my blood type. It left a strange impression in my head."
- The person tried to kill her/himself and she/he was saved in the nick of time.

"You know that I was hoping that I could leave this star-crossed world behind." 

- Not very subtle, right?

"And you know I might have just flown too far from the floor this time 'cause they're calling me by my name."
- This suicide attempt is pretty serious, like, if she/he wasn't found immediately, the people around her/him could've lost her/him.

"And you know, I'm fine, but I hear those voices sometimes they justify my claim." 

- No regrets in trying to commit suicide.

"You think you might cross over. You're caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. You better look it over before you make that leap."
- The person is still thinking about committing suicide. But she/he is really thinking things through.

"And the public don't dwell on my transmission 'cause it wasn't televised but it was the turning point, oh what a lonely night." 

- The people can't see how she/he really feels because she/he doesn't broadcast it to the world. She/he keeps it inside and she/he feels that she/he's alone, that she/he doesn't have anyone. And that's the crazy thing about depression, it eats you from the inside, you know?

"The starmaker says, 'It ain't so bad.' The dream makers gonna make you mad. The spaceman says, 'Everybody look down. It's all in your mind.'" 

- This is what kills me, you know. When people say that it's okay blah, blah, blah. "It's all in your mind, some has it worse, your situation is not that bad." Depression is not a fucking competition. If you don't know what the other person is going through, just shut up, you know? It may be a big fucking deal for her/him. Mental illness is just as serious as physical illness. Just because you can't see it, it doesn't mean that it isn't slowly hurting and killing a person.

I'm not saying that you got to believe me or even listen to me. This is just how the song spoke to me - how I view it, you know? It's an upbeat-y song but it makes me sad. Hay.

So Many People Close To Me Cut Me Down.

I just found out that Yellowcard is disbanding and oh my fucking god! To say that it broke my heart and crushed it into a million pieces is a fucking understatement. I had a lot of downs in my life and their single "Here I Am Alive" spoke to me in a very personal level and, sorry for the cliche, but whenever I listen to it, it helps me look forward to the future and forget all the fuck-ups that's currently happening in my life. Fact of the matter is, Here I Am Alive made, sorry, MAKES me want to live.

Have you tried listening to it? Like, listen to it and feel the lyrics and shit. I'm not kidding when I say that it really helped me get through awful existential crises in my life. I know that a lot of people (especially back in college) doubt me because I didn't really shine back then. I mean, people know me because I'm friendly and loud and super lazy. But that's that. I know that some people think that I would amount to nothing because, "ano bang nacocontribute nya eh maingay lang naman sya?" Which really got to me because, honestly, I didn't know what to do with my life back then. I liked CA but I wasn't very passionate about it, do you get that? And somehow, me being very nonchalant and not passionate about something made me look bobo (stupid.) And, I can't emphasize enough how Here I Am Alive made me think that, "Oh shut up, you fucker. I'll find something I want to do with my life. I'll find a direction."

I jumped, I fell, I hit the ground but here I am alive. So, see, motherfucker, it might take me three tries to get to the next level but I WOULD BE a fucking doctor because THIS is what I'm passionate about. I would be a fucking good doctor and you'll remember the day you said I wouldn't amount to anything because I didn't give a fuck about the things YOU were passionate about.

See, You And I Aren't Ghosts.

Have you ever listened to a song for the first time and, BAM, it made you feel.. Nostalgic? I'm currently listening to Steady by Act As If and, whoah there, it made me miss how I felt when I was in college - like some sort of deja vu shit. Well, maybe 'cause I'm alone in my condo and I was just like that back in college when I would stay in my dorm for the weekend? I mean, when I was alone in my dorm, I would just turn my laptop's speakers on full blast and listen to random musicians I've just discovered.

Damn, those were nice days. I mean, my life revolved around TV shows, books, and finding new artists to whore over. I was so chill back then. To be honest, I didn't know how I graduated from college 'cause I was a lazy-ass, procrastinating motherfucker. Seriously! I wouldn't do my finals paper until the night before it's due. I would cut class to finish an entire series. Sometimes I miss being lazy! But just sometimes 'cause I still don't regret going to med school! 😉😜

So, anyway, hey, if you have the time, listen to Act As If's Steady. I hope it brings out the nostalgia bug from you!

Hills To Climb.

I finally have my mensies so YAY! No more moody shit, no more gun-to-my-head, crippling sadness, no more extra takaw vibes!!! Until next month, that is. But.. Whatever. It's a good day! 🙌🙌🙌

Fast Car.

It was a good first 18 days of June! I was almost always with friends so I didn't have the time to think about how miserable I am.

Can I tell you something? I know other people might think I'm romanticizing sadness and shit and can I just say.. Hell fucking no. I'm sorry if you think I'm being overly dramatic or why the fuck am I in a perpetual state of sadness? The thing is, I don't know. There were a lot of shit that happened to me last year and I'm just soooooo fucking tired that I have to always be brave and strong publicly, that I should just brush things off and pretend shit don't hurt. I'm sad because sometimes in the middle of the day, I just want to cry but I can't because, hey, I'm always the cheerful one. It really sucks that I have to pretend all the time. Especially with my parents - who view everything scientifically so, meh, I don't know. It's easier to pretend than to dissect everything and shit.

Hay nako. I just need a person who would tell me and make me feel that it's okay to not put on my mask everyday, you know? But, meh, whatever. Kapit lang always, Rina!