It Don't Mean Shit 'Till We Get Home.

My Intentions Never Change.

Happy birthday to my one, great, true love! I can still remember when I first saw you last July 2011. You were so gorgeous and perfect and just.. amazing. Then and there, I knew you ruined the chances of other men to ever replace you in my heart. Hihi.

Anyway, happy holidays from us - the Leto's! Hihi.

Merry Christmas, Ya Filthy Animal!

Merry Christmas from my family to yours!

"You Fucking Freak Me Out Sometimes!"

As far as friendships go, I think Sid could do so much better than settling with Tony and being Tony's sidekick. I mean, let's face it, Tony could be such a fucking jerk sometimes. Plus, he's so manipulative it's surprising that he still has friends. But, in some weird and twisted way, it's also kind of heart-warming that he loves Sid the most. I mean, Tony may be a dick but in his hellish, twisted mind, he loves Sid the most - and he does look out for him (in his own way.)

Hay. The 1st generation of skins 🤘🤘🤘!

💪💪💪

How Could We Ever Make This Leap?

Merry Christmas from us! 

Also, check out this song:

We Just Try To Wait It Out.

I'm so unhappy.

But I'm also happy. Does this make any sense?

I'm Not Confused, It's Just You're Making Me Think.

I can't find a decent video so.. that's that. But, hey, I'm not after the video, I'm after the song. I hope y'all like it. It's been on loop (along with some other songs. Especially Vance Joy's Georgia) the past few days. Hihi.

I'm scared shitless because of the feedback. I know I did my part but is it enough? Hassle talaga.

Wish me luck, yeah?

Was I Selfish Letting You Choose When You Have Everything To Lose?

2nd longs are over. Long weekend 'cause All Soul's Day. Ughhh so scared for the feedback but I did my part naman so sana solid. Huhu.

Peace Of Mind Is Easy To Find When The Time Is Right.

It's been 10 years of Sam's Town! Happy 10 years!!

It's Not Hard To Live Like A Ghost.

Nobody's Gonna Tell You How To Live.

Earlier this morning, I was question my decisions in life - whether I made the right decision to stay in Med school or am I just pushing it and it's not really for me. I was on the verge of acceptance that maybe medical school is just a dream, a fantasy, but then, the Anatomy results came out and.. puneta, I passed. I was asking God that if I have a failing grade (MPL was 60! So, I was freaking out like shit because it's 60!) at least let me be 4 points below the MPL. And omg, I got 4 points. 4 points above the MPL! I know it's not much but dude, I passed. I freaking passed.

So, I guess Medicine is for me. I just have to fight hard for it. Laban talaga.

You Can Be Somebody's Everything But You Just Can't Be Mine.

It breaks my heart that some of my most awesome friends can't see their worth - how they deserve nothing but the best, how they are a destination and not a stop-along-the-way. Hay. It just kills me inside, you know? Friends, I wish you could see yourselves through my eyes.

On loop the last six days. Current fave song.

For All You Broken Renegades.

School is okay. I've adjusted, I think. New people, new friends. Exam's in two weeks! Daily grind, daily hustle!

My current favorite song. Teehee.

Summer, Kind of Wonderful (2016 Version)

How to summer Med school style:

May 5, 2016. 

EK with some of my 2019A friends. It's Glea's first time so HAHAHAHA extra special:

May 6, 2016!

 May's 24th birthday and Michelle's 18th birthday:

May 7, 2016

Happy 24th birthday Eryel (May 6)! Super chill celebration with my HS friends but it was so much fun. I've missed them so much. And swear parang wala din nagbago samin. We don't get to see each other often but I'm so glad we're still the same.

May 18, 2016

Random sleepover with Jodie!

May 30-June 1, 2016!

Went to Batangas courtesy of the Lopez family!

Hanggang jan lang ako. Di man lang ako umabot ng Station 1. HAHAHA Mt. Maculot hike!

June 3, 2016

Random catch up with my college friends. Talked about how we were able to graduate eh super wala kaming kwentang students HAHAHAHAHA. But omg I'm so proud of them. They achieved na a lot in life.. while I'm still struggling as a student. HAHAHAH!

June 4, 2016

Date with Jonah!

July 18-21, 2016

Ilocos trip with 2018B dapat but naging barkada trip nalang HAHAHAHA!

(Thanks Vera and Joyfie HAHAHHA)

There were other chill trips like the spontaneous Tagaytay trip with Leif, random cocol at NLEX HAHAHAHA, but we didn't take photos. Anyway, we were almost always at Kyle's place to drink so.. Yay vacation well-spent! I mean, good luck to our livers but.. YOLO. HAHAHHAHA joke!

So, that's my summer. How was yours?

Hold On, My Darling.

OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG school starts on Monday! As in this coming Monday! Where did my 4 month vacay go?? Excited and nervous at the same time. Hay sana I'm okay with my groupmates. Yun lang talaga. And syempre, understand na everything.

Claire de Lune

I'm so happy! I've been going through something big the last month and after keeping it to myself for so long, I finally had the guts to tell my mom! And extra icing on the cake? She didn't get mad! She was more concerned and loving huhuhuhu I love you so much Mommy! In my defense, I prepared her by telling her that I don't regret anything and papanindigan ko talaga 'to. Now, I have to muster extra courage to tell my dad - in a few months, I guess, when I wouldn't be able to hide it anymore. Anyway, I'm just so relieved that my mom didn't kill me or berate me or something. She was very understanding. Huhuhuhuhu. I told her not to tell my dad yet. I'll be the one to tell my dad. In time.

In other news, school starts in 9 days. 9 freaking days. So, no walwal na, sure. I'll be a rare Pokemon na to my friends. Oh well. I always asked people out para nga malubos 4 months pero ngayon back to the daily grind. So, see you everyone after, what, a year again? Hay. So scared for this coming SY though. Last chance. I can't fuck up!

Men, Men, Men, Men, Men.

Two and a Half Men is actually pretty decent! Loving it so far!

Sometimes When You Fall? You Fly.

Nothig worth having comes easy. I may be a lot of things but I am not someone who would stand idly by and wait for "fate" to get me the stuff I really want. I would work hard for this because I know it's going to be worth it. Soldier on.

It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia.

I'm watching this right now. Haha. I just finished watching Melissa & Joey. And I'm updated with Baby Daddy and Young & Hungry so.. Kinda looking for new sitcoms to watch. Lol. So far so good 👌👌👌

The Sun Is Coming Out.

It's a bad few months but it doesn't mean it's a bad life. It really isn't a bad life. ☺☺☺

It's All In Your Mind.

But is it really? Is it? Have you ever tried, like, really listening to Spaceman by The Killers? I don't know what it means to you but for me - it's about a depressed person who botched up her/his suicide attempt. I mean, the lyrics say it all. You got to read between the lines but it's there.

"It started with a low light. Next thing I knew they ripped me from my bed and then they took my blood type. It left a strange impression in my head."
- The person tried to kill her/himself and she/he was saved in the nick of time.

"You know that I was hoping that I could leave this star-crossed world behind." 

- Not very subtle, right?

"And you know I might have just flown too far from the floor this time 'cause they're calling me by my name."
- This suicide attempt is pretty serious, like, if she/he wasn't found immediately, the people around her/him could've lost her/him.

"And you know, I'm fine, but I hear those voices sometimes they justify my claim." 

- No regrets in trying to commit suicide.

"You think you might cross over. You're caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. You better look it over before you make that leap."
- The person is still thinking about committing suicide. But she/he is really thinking things through.

"And the public don't dwell on my transmission 'cause it wasn't televised but it was the turning point, oh what a lonely night." 

- The people can't see how she/he really feels because she/he doesn't broadcast it to the world. She/he keeps it inside and she/he feels that she/he's alone, that she/he doesn't have anyone. And that's the crazy thing about depression, it eats you from the inside, you know?

"The starmaker says, 'It ain't so bad.' The dream makers gonna make you mad. The spaceman says, 'Everybody look down. It's all in your mind.'" 

- This is what kills me, you know. When people say that it's okay blah, blah, blah. "It's all in your mind, some has it worse, your situation is not that bad." Depression is not a fucking competition. If you don't know what the other person is going through, just shut up, you know? It may be a big fucking deal for her/him. Mental illness is just as serious as physical illness. Just because you can't see it, it doesn't mean that it isn't slowly hurting and killing a person.

I'm not saying that you got to believe me or even listen to me. This is just how the song spoke to me - how I view it, you know? It's an upbeat-y song but it makes me sad. Hay.

So Many People Close To Me Cut Me Down.

I just found out that Yellowcard is disbanding and oh my fucking god! To say that it broke my heart and crushed it into a million pieces is a fucking understatement. I had a lot of downs in my life and their single "Here I Am Alive" spoke to me in a very personal level and, sorry for the cliche, but whenever I listen to it, it helps me look forward to the future and forget all the fuck-ups that's currently happening in my life. Fact of the matter is, Here I Am Alive made, sorry, MAKES me want to live.

Have you tried listening to it? Like, listen to it and feel the lyrics and shit. I'm not kidding when I say that it really helped me get through awful existential crises in my life. I know that a lot of people (especially back in college) doubt me because I didn't really shine back then. I mean, people know me because I'm friendly and loud and super lazy. But that's that. I know that some people think that I would amount to nothing because, "ano bang nacocontribute nya eh maingay lang naman sya?" Which really got to me because, honestly, I didn't know what to do with my life back then. I liked CA but I wasn't very passionate about it, do you get that? And somehow, me being very nonchalant and not passionate about something made me look bobo (stupid.) And, I can't emphasize enough how Here I Am Alive made me think that, "Oh shut up, you fucker. I'll find something I want to do with my life. I'll find a direction."

I jumped, I fell, I hit the ground but here I am alive. So, see, motherfucker, it might take me three tries to get to the next level but I WOULD BE a fucking doctor because THIS is what I'm passionate about. I would be a fucking good doctor and you'll remember the day you said I wouldn't amount to anything because I didn't give a fuck about the things YOU were passionate about.

See, You And I Aren't Ghosts.

Have you ever listened to a song for the first time and, BAM, it made you feel.. Nostalgic? I'm currently listening to Steady by Act As If and, whoah there, it made me miss how I felt when I was in college - like some sort of deja vu shit. Well, maybe 'cause I'm alone in my condo and I was just like that back in college when I would stay in my dorm for the weekend? I mean, when I was alone in my dorm, I would just turn my laptop's speakers on full blast and listen to random musicians I've just discovered.

Damn, those were nice days. I mean, my life revolved around TV shows, books, and finding new artists to whore over. I was so chill back then. To be honest, I didn't know how I graduated from college 'cause I was a lazy-ass, procrastinating motherfucker. Seriously! I wouldn't do my finals paper until the night before it's due. I would cut class to finish an entire series. Sometimes I miss being lazy! But just sometimes 'cause I still don't regret going to med school! 😉😜

So, anyway, hey, if you have the time, listen to Act As If's Steady. I hope it brings out the nostalgia bug from you!

Hills To Climb.

I finally have my mensies so YAY! No more moody shit, no more gun-to-my-head, crippling sadness, no more extra takaw vibes!!! Until next month, that is. But.. Whatever. It's a good day! 🙌🙌🙌

Fast Car.

It was a good first 18 days of June! I was almost always with friends so I didn't have the time to think about how miserable I am.

Can I tell you something? I know other people might think I'm romanticizing sadness and shit and can I just say.. Hell fucking no. I'm sorry if you think I'm being overly dramatic or why the fuck am I in a perpetual state of sadness? The thing is, I don't know. There were a lot of shit that happened to me last year and I'm just soooooo fucking tired that I have to always be brave and strong publicly, that I should just brush things off and pretend shit don't hurt. I'm sad because sometimes in the middle of the day, I just want to cry but I can't because, hey, I'm always the cheerful one. It really sucks that I have to pretend all the time. Especially with my parents - who view everything scientifically so, meh, I don't know. It's easier to pretend than to dissect everything and shit.

Hay nako. I just need a person who would tell me and make me feel that it's okay to not put on my mask everyday, you know? But, meh, whatever. Kapit lang always, Rina!

I've Been Chasing Waterfalls.

I feel sorry for my dad. We're shitty children. We really are. It's breaking my heart that we're breaking his heart.

Hmmm.

I just want to feel normal again. Is that too much to ask?

There's A Strength In Letting Go.

I'll be posting some of the songs that I've been playing on loop the last few months.

A.) March: Hills to climb by Tim Myers

B.) Little Talks by Of Monsters and Men

C.) Little Earthquakes by Imperial Mammoth (love love LOVE this one)

D.) Through the Dark by The Mowgli's

E.) Little Ballerina by Emile Haynie feat. Rufus Wainwright

(but listen to it on Spotify. They made this one slow.)

F.) Celeste by Ezra Vine

G.) Make You Mine by PUBLIC

H.) Grapevine Valentine by Kingsfoil

I.) Jennifer Lawrence by Nova & The Experience

J.) Shake, Shake, Shake by Bronze Radio Return

K.) Sleep Song by Hooded Fang

L.) Gold Rays by Vinyl Pickups

.. which I can't find a video of. So just listen to it on Spotify.

M.) Swim by Fickle Friends

N.) Drifting by On and On

I'll post other stuff when I have my on laptop. Hahaha. Happy listening!!

I Just Want The Chance To Let The Little Ballerina Come Dance.

I'm okay. I'm fine. I got this.

Repeat 'till I'm okay, I'm fine, and I got this.

They Only Love You When They Need You.

I am such an awful, awful daughter. I don't deserve my parents. I acted like a rotten, spoilt brat (after my mom bought me some spontaneous shit I wanted and more. Ughhhh god I feel so annoyed with myself because I'm a fucking ungrateful bitch uggggggh) and I wouldn't even apologize.

Hay parents, I'm so sorry you have me for a daughter. I'm sorry you're stuck with me. I really, really pity you. No exaggerations.

Hello Goodbye.

Am I bipolar? Or do I just feel things deeply? Or I'm just really a softie underneath all this arrogance? Hay nako. I don't know but what I'm sure of is I'm so fucking tired of being lonely all the time. When I'm surrounded by people, at least I get enterntained and yeah I forget how unhappy I am. But, daaaamn, at night? All the melancholy and misery sets in. I'm just so freaking tired of being sad all the time. And I wish, I really do wish, that it's just hormones.

All corniness and feelings aside, hey, listen to Little Ballerina by Emile Haynie feat. Rufus Wainwright!! Listen to it on Spotify 'cause the one in YouTube is shit!

Bye.

#StrongIndependentWoman

Parang I don't like you anymore. Like, if we stop being friends, I wouldn't mind/care. We've been friends for a long time but I think you're enjoying your time more when you're with other people. And I'm just this big hindrance or something. And honestly, I'm not the type of person who would "pagsisiksikan sarili nya" if the other person obviously doesn't want to be/talk to me anymore. We're in the opposite sides of the spectrum and clearly there's a big gap now and, I don't know, it's so obvious that you're having more fun when you're with them than when you're with boring, boring me.

So, I guess, in some ways, this is me letting you go (if you don't wanna be friends anymore.) It's gonna hurt a bit but hey I'm used to this.

Only Binay. Daang Matuwid.

It's election time here in the Philippines. In fairness, there was no traffic everywhere.

I want MDS to win and BBM to NOT WIN ever. The children today are misinformed about Martial Law. There was even a video where they were saying that it would be okay if there's Martial Law again. How about.. No?? The schools need to set the story straight. Seriously.

Whoever the next president is, she or he wouldn't be able to "fix" the Philippines if the Filipons remain undisciplined. Yun lang yun actually.

I want a new laptoppppp so I could upload photos of my summer so far. Huhu.

You Could Only Hold A Smile For So Long After That It's Just Teeth.

Today is actually a decent day, my eyes hurt so bad 'cause I've been crying all night last night HAHAHAHA anyway I'm going to EK tomorrow with my 2019A friends. So that's kinda exciting.

I've been watching a lot of Hallmark and Lifetime movies 'cause they're all so cheery cheery. And I think I need that. I don't actually believe in happy endings but Hallmark and Lifetime movies, like, help me in some ways 'cause if I dwell on my shitty life and situation - I might just jump off a bridge after OD-ing on Xanax or something.

I'm looking forward to my new laptop, though. Please come sooner huhu.

To The Window, To The Wall.

My heart still hurts so much. 

It's just so painful to think that I haven't made any improvement in three fucking years. Plus, I always have to pretend I'm fine and I'm okay. Sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks.

While You Stand.

I just want a freakin' new HP laptop. And I want it now but I'm too embarrassed to nag my parents about it. So, here I am, googling HP laptop images, going to their website and just staring and drooling. See, I want HP Pavilion 16.5. It has a 1tb storage so YAY 'cause I lost my 1tb EHD. I can't remember where the hell I put it. Anyway, it looks so sexy and smooth and so professional! I showed it to my mom already and she said yes but I can't waaaaaait! I want it nooooow!

I feel so crippled without any laptop.

I'll Prepare You For A Sick, Dark World.

I think we're living in a hopeless world. I think people are inevitably going to destroy everything. I mean, sure, some heroes rise up to the challenge and try to change something but ultimately, the next generation just fucks it up.

You know to be honest, I have very little faith in humanity. And when I say little, I mean minute, minuscule. My 2019A friends told me to not expect anything for my birthday last March. I told one of them, "Okay lang, sobrang baba naman talaga ng expectations ko sa tao." And that's the truth. I don't know if I have been desensitized with all the shit that's happening around the world but I just.. Don't want to care anymore. I mean, if you care deeply and someone or something disappoints you - it could fucking break you. And I had a lot of that already so yeah, no, thank you very much. Don't fight me on this, I won't be mollified. Hahahaha.

I don't know. Just random thoughts.

I Used To Shout To Find My Way.

Back to the grinding and hustling. I'm back to studying. I'll spend my 4-month break studying. And you know what? I'm actually looking forward to it. I wanna ace the first sem this coming school year. This is what I really want to do with my life so I will do whatever it takes to achieve it, you know?

I'm currently listening to old playlists I made using 8tracks when it was still a decent app. They changed, like, what, 4 months ago? There are a lot of shit that can't be played in My Country. Fuckers. Anyway, there was a long letter from them why they're being dickheads but it was really long, I don't have the time to read something that would reject me (in a matter of speaking HAHA.) Well, it sucks 'cause I really kinda like 8tracks. It's one of my favorite Music Apps. The first one being last.fm.

I'm an active blogger recently, have you noticed? This is my only form of release now eh. Hahaha. 

Hay. I hope the future has something nice in store for me.

Just Try To Wait It Out.

I'm currently obsessed with Imperial Mammoth's Little Earthquakes! Omg it's so catchy and it spreads good vibes. Sort of. Well, most of the time.

I miss having a laptop but I'm so fucking embarrassed to ask for a new one especially now that the tuition fee for one semester in my medical school skyrocketed to 150, 000. 150, 000 pesos, are you freaking kidding me? I can't freakin' waste 300k this year, so, yeah, extra pressure for me. I remember when I told my mom that it's now 150k per semester, I was so embarrassed and I told her I'm really sorry 'cos hello, third time ko ng first year padin, tangina naman. And all she said was, "Huh? Alam ko. Ano ka ba, wala yun." Wala yun 'cause it's for my fucking future - because I fucking want this. Hay nako, once I become a doctor, tangina magulang ko mamumunini ng kikitain ko.

Why the fuck didn't I take up a premed course? I don't usually have regrets 'cause my crazy decisions always end up like an adventure but, well, not taking up a premed course has got tp be the BIGGEST FUCKING MISTAKE of my entire life. And remembering how unfullfilled (how do you spell this thing??) and just goddamn miserable I was back in college (read my posts when I was in college, all I wanted was to get it over and done with. Or die. Why? 'Cause the people are so fucking fake and I knew that I could only depend on, what, two people? God, I hated college so much. Even in my group of friends, ano, at least may dalawa na sobrang pacool and sobrang iniiba image nila in front of different people. Palibhasa super loser nung HS. God, it pisses me off just thinking about it. 'Cause I've always been candid of who I am as a person and then BAM, two super fake people kagad in my midst. UGHHHHHHHH), I should've shifted to a premed course. But I was SO STUBBORN and HARD-HEADED. Basically 'cause I hate it when people tell me what to fucking do. (Let's put it this way, of all the shit my parents told me to not do, the only thing that I followed through is the don't have sex before marriage thing. And, let's face it, I haven't had sex 'cause hello, NBSB.) My parents wanted me to take up Medicine, so what did I do? I took something at the opposide side of the Science spectrum. Tas in the end magmemed din pala ako. So, I guess they got the last laugh.

I think I'm lashing out at everything again 'cause I feel so lost and unhappy right now. And the person I really want to talk to and I know who wants to actually listen to my shit is, what, a 2 hour drive away (which sucks 'cause I don't know how to drive.) Hay. I miss you Mommy. 😢

We Can Make The Ground Move.

The last few weeks, I stayed with my mom in Cavite (her medical practice is located and based there), it was just the two of us. And I think it was perfect. I don't keep the fact that she's the most important person in my life a secret. I'm a mommy's girl and I'm not embarassed. I loooooove her so much.

Well, it just sucks 'cause I have to go back to the condo soon. She asked me not to go back 'cause she misses me a lot but, haaay, I have no choice. I need to grind and hustle because this is my last shot for my future. Hay. I'll miss my mom so much.

You Can Try.

I don't know if I could go back to my previous relationship with God. I want to but there's just a lot of shit that happened. I think I need to talk to a priest or something 'cause I'm seriously questioning my faith right now.

Don't Listen To A Word I Say.

I finished reading Chuck Palanhiuk's Invisible Monsters yesterday. And I gotta tell you, it's all kinds of amazing. Although it did make me question my purpose in life and shit. Oh but, man, does it strike at the most sensitive parts of my heart and the most unsure parts of my soul. I really loved it.

Today, I started reading Sacre Bleu by Christopher Moore. He's one of the funniest authors in the world for me. I don't but he just.. Gets my humor. He knows where to poke me until I start laughing hysterically. Well, so far, Sacre Bleu hasn't disappointed me yet. Hihi.

I'm having an okay summer so far. I'm living with my parents. I missed them so much. In about a week or so, I would go back to the condo and start studying my ass off again. It's my decision not to spend summer with them. See, I have no choice. So, I'm making the most of my time with them. Hihi.

Things Aren't Quite Like What They Used To Be.

So, I'm 24. And I've been laptopless a little over a month. Jesus, all I want for this 24th fiasco thing is a laptop.

What's My Age Again? What's My Age Again?

I'm turning 24 this coming Friday. Ugh. 😒😒😒 On the bright side, I would be celebrating in Bicol/CamSur. So, that's that.

Hay I know I said 2016's going to be a hell lot better than 2015 but I'm really lowering my expectations now. I think this is a form of self-defense of sort because I don't want to get veryyyyy disappointed if this year sucked balls again.

HAY NAKO GOD PAEXPERIENCE NYO NAMAN SAKIN MAG-6TH LONGS. 😒😂 Huhu.

Stand Still.

The cat's out of the bag (and, frankly, I'm just so sick of faking it and pretending and shit.) Anyway, so, I'm repeating. Again. That was why my last few posts were a tad bit dramatic.

I knew I said that I wouldn't blame God and I would believe that He has better plans for me - but, I was weak. And so fucking heartbroken. I mean, I gave it my all. I would stay up until 1am to study. Every fucking day. I avoided my HS friends and college friends like a plague because I had to make sacrifices. There were times that I wouldn't get to see my parents because right after school, I would go to a coffee shop to study. I MADE all the freakin' sacrifices. And yet He allowed this fucking catastrophic mess to happen to me. I prayed. I fucking prayed my heart out to Him, twice a day, and to three other different saints, every fucking day without fail. I always asked for guidance and if I was making the right decisions - and it fucking sucks because all my decisions pointed to Med School. I asked God a lot of times if I'm making the right choice and He opened all doors for me, so, I took that as a YES FUCKING YES!!! So, why did He let all these shit to happen to me? Wait, sorry, why is He letting this shit happen to me?

Anyway, I was so upset I stopped attending church for a month. Yeah, throw your rocks at me or whatever but I was so depressed. I felt like a failure and that, maybe, my stupid nemesis from college is right - that I wouldn't amount to anything 'cause I'm just loud. I really wanted to die from the humiliation, the embarrassment. But, whatever, I could stand all of that, when you think about it. What really killed me inside is that I ended up disappointing my parents. Well, actually, they don't blame me and stuff. They're even empathic and sympathetic and more loving and supportive than ever. And that's what fucking kills me. Seriously. I mean, let's face it, I haven't really done anything that would make them proud of me. I've been a screw up since I was in GS. Like, in a way that's the only thing they could be proud of me - I could get myself out in sticky situations because I could be funny and charmkng. But that's it. Academically and shit - I'm worthless. And it kills me inside because they don't treat me differently and they're very supportive and when they found out I had to repeat all over again, they were more concerned with my feelings than what the other doctors and physicians (basically, their colleagues) would say about their underachieving, repeater daughter. They really are the best.

The tuition fee for med school (well, in UERM) for one semester is roughly around 136, 000 pesos. And that doesn't include the uniform and the books. Medic books are about 2,500. We're not rich, we're average. And I know that my parents say that it doesn't matter but I'm freaking embarrassed and ashamed because just for first year they would have to pay 136,000 pesos FOUR times (assuming that the tuition fee wouldn't increase this coming SY.) Four fucking times. The tuition thing is never really an issue because they always say that it's for our future and it's our education but put your feet in my shoes.. Wouldn't you feel just a tiny bit ashamed and morose?

My parents are the best. And that's why I was so upset with God before. I mean, I knew I tried so fucking hard. But then I had to repeat. And my parents are stuck in another year of shame with me.

But anyway, the past few weeks, instead of moping around and blaming God, I'm back in church. Of course I asked for forgiveness and shit (and I do hope that God would forgive me) Anyway, I'm back to studying (on my own), my plan is to ace the first two longs so that at least I would have a buffer. Hay God please don't leave me hanging this year. I know I would make a good doctor, just take a shot on me.

MasterChef Always Makes Me Cry.

.?

This has got to be one of the worst feelings I've ever had in my life. I've never felt so alone and so depressed - save this moment. My mind's going crazy with all uncertainties and unresolved paths. Nothing in my lkfe is okay - family, school, friends. Hassle.

If I get hit by a bus right now, I wouldn't mind. Seriously.

Here We Go.

Help me.

Am I Alive?

Stay.

I wanna hate God. I really do. I wanna scream at Him and stomp my feet and ask why, why the fuck is He letting this shit happen to me? Why is He breaking my heart? Am I Hitler in my past life that it's justifiable I'm experiencing this crap right now?

But being the good Catholic that I am, I won't hate him. I know that He has a good plan - a better plan. Besides, of all the crap and the shit and the heartbreaks He put me through - at least I have amazing parents. That's the only silver lining I have right now. Hay. Anyway, I hope in the end, all this crapolla would make sense.

I just wish my heart would stop breaking and my tears would stop spilling.