Tomorrow is October 1. Today is the last day of September. Today is also Chezca's 16th :)
I'm doomed.
So much for having these "countless" of blessings. I almost bawled again in front of Jodie and Cumpas because I was SO FRUSTRATED.
Ok, let me tell you something.. Do you know what fucked-up means? It's about having only an hour of sleep because you studied for the long exam -- and, what, you didn't even pass in that fucking test. It's about trying so hard and finding out that your efforts are fruitless and futile. It's about being so damn unhappy of most of the things going on in your messy-16-year-old-dismal life.
Oh, that doesn't sound fucked-up to you, huh? Well, try this: How about the fact that you might not even graduate because you're having a hard time pulling your grades up in one stupid subject. And, what makes it worse is that your graduation day is also your 17th birthday? Ironic much?
I've said before (I think it was August last year. Well, it was in one of my posts in August 2007.) that I don't believe in destiny and all that blah stuff and that we weave our own stories, we fabricate our own lives, we make the person we are.. But, now, I'm having second thoughts. Am I not a very skilled weaver and is that the reason why I have to make the most pathetic and daft designs in my life? (Ok, let's get this straight.. I don't weave.. It's just a figure of speech.. Or whatever you call it.) Am I not a very effective person, that even I am having a hard time recognizing myself and that everytime I have to look in front of the mirror -- I wince and recoil? Is this even about destiny? UGH. It sounds stupid and I don't even believe it. Still. How come this is happening to me? WHY? It's so UNFAIR.
Dude, this is more than just any identity crisis. I'm not even sure who I am nowadays. I go to school thinking and acting like some kind of reincarnated bee without knowing and understanding why I even have to be in school when I could stay at bed all day and not bother about failing grades. I laugh at simple things because I try to hide from all the ambiguities and improbabilities around me. I talk a lot because I'm fucking scared that if I stop talking, I would notice that everything around me is falling apart.
My self esteem is crumbling down because of that stupid subject. My self confidence is falling to the ground because I feel bloody unintelligent. Heck, I don't even know if I'm good at anything anymore.
I hate it when I cry. It makes my eyes itch and swell. Sadly, these last two weeks have brought out the worst in my eyes. And, frankly, you wouldn't want to see me sob because my eyes turn into two tiny black dots everytime I cry too much.
You talk about drama? I talk about facts.
You talk about metaphors? I talk about ironies.
You talk about success -- I talk about silly delusions and false hopes.
Still, I go to school. I'll give you three guesses why I still wake up early and why I drag my unwilling butt to attend that stupid Physics class The first one is pretty obvious. The second one is mostly about friends.. And the last one? Well, we have to be really close for you to know what it's about.
Ok, enough. Too much rants would overwhelm people. And, it's not really good, right?
SONG: The Hush Sound's We Intertwined.
I'm doomed.
So much for having these "countless" of blessings. I almost bawled again in front of Jodie and Cumpas because I was SO FRUSTRATED.
Ok, let me tell you something.. Do you know what fucked-up means? It's about having only an hour of sleep because you studied for the long exam -- and, what, you didn't even pass in that fucking test. It's about trying so hard and finding out that your efforts are fruitless and futile. It's about being so damn unhappy of most of the things going on in your messy-16-year-old-dismal life.
Oh, that doesn't sound fucked-up to you, huh? Well, try this: How about the fact that you might not even graduate because you're having a hard time pulling your grades up in one stupid subject. And, what makes it worse is that your graduation day is also your 17th birthday? Ironic much?
I've said before (I think it was August last year. Well, it was in one of my posts in August 2007.) that I don't believe in destiny and all that blah stuff and that we weave our own stories, we fabricate our own lives, we make the person we are.. But, now, I'm having second thoughts. Am I not a very skilled weaver and is that the reason why I have to make the most pathetic and daft designs in my life? (Ok, let's get this straight.. I don't weave.. It's just a figure of speech.. Or whatever you call it.) Am I not a very effective person, that even I am having a hard time recognizing myself and that everytime I have to look in front of the mirror -- I wince and recoil? Is this even about destiny? UGH. It sounds stupid and I don't even believe it. Still. How come this is happening to me? WHY? It's so UNFAIR.
Dude, this is more than just any identity crisis. I'm not even sure who I am nowadays. I go to school thinking and acting like some kind of reincarnated bee without knowing and understanding why I even have to be in school when I could stay at bed all day and not bother about failing grades. I laugh at simple things because I try to hide from all the ambiguities and improbabilities around me. I talk a lot because I'm fucking scared that if I stop talking, I would notice that everything around me is falling apart.
My self esteem is crumbling down because of that stupid subject. My self confidence is falling to the ground because I feel bloody unintelligent. Heck, I don't even know if I'm good at anything anymore.
I hate it when I cry. It makes my eyes itch and swell. Sadly, these last two weeks have brought out the worst in my eyes. And, frankly, you wouldn't want to see me sob because my eyes turn into two tiny black dots everytime I cry too much.
You talk about drama? I talk about facts.
You talk about metaphors? I talk about ironies.
You talk about success -- I talk about silly delusions and false hopes.
Still, I go to school. I'll give you three guesses why I still wake up early and why I drag my unwilling butt to attend that stupid Physics class The first one is pretty obvious. The second one is mostly about friends.. And the last one? Well, we have to be really close for you to know what it's about.
Ok, enough. Too much rants would overwhelm people. And, it's not really good, right?
SONG: The Hush Sound's We Intertwined.
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